


The Bakery

by xxenjoy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol as a Coping Mechanism, Alternate Universe - Human, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Co-workers, Fuckbuddies, Hate to Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death, POV Dean, Pining, Semi-Public Sex, Top!Cas, Workplace Sex, mentions of past sexual abuse, off screen character death, sex as a coping mechanism, sex in a kitchen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-06
Updated: 2015-04-27
Packaged: 2018-03-21 12:33:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 41,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3692451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxenjoy/pseuds/xxenjoy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Winchester loves his job, and he's thrilled to have his boss' brother coming in to work over the holidays, that is until he meets Castiel Novak for himself. The man is picky, grouchy, and absolutely fucking gorgeous. </p><p> </p><p>|| Now Complete</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The non-con in this is non-explicit and not between Dean and Cas, and will be explicitly stated when I post that chapter so if it bothers you, you can skip over it.
> 
> More tags will probably be added later, but it's 11pm and I have to get up in six hours so... :)

Dean Winchester loves his job. Sure, working in a bakery isn't the most masculine of all professions, but it works for him. He has an amazing boss come self-proclaimed big brother, dependable hours, attractive customers who hit on him on a daily basis, and best of all- if the pastries don't sell before the shelf life is up, Gabriel sends them home with the staff, and that means free pie. He doesn't even mind working the early shifts when Gabe needs someone to come in and set up for him, it just usually takes a little longer, and a little more coffee to get going on those days. 

He's content with work for the first time in years, and with Christmas coming up there's eggnog and pumpkin pie to look forward to. Yeah, it means work gets a little busier, and he comes home late most nights, tired past the point of exhaustion, but Gabe's brother is in town for the holidays soon, and he's coming to work with them. Dean's glad for the extra help, and if the guy is anything like Gabriel, they'll get along fine. 

The day Castiel is due to arrive is one of those days where Dean is opening on his own. Three in the morning is really, _really_ early, even for Dean, but Gabe has to drive out to pick up his brother from the airport, and so the responsibility falls solely to him. 

\- - -

_Heat of the Moment_ blares from his phone and Dean jolts upright, breathing heavily as he gropes around trying to find his phone and shut the alarm off. On the screen is a picture of Gabriel's grinning face and a label that reads ' _good morning sleepyhead_ '. Dean groans and drops his phone on the bed, dropping back against his pillow. Really, he should have known Gabriel wouldn't trust him to get up on his own, but he's pretty sure he nearly had a heart attack. He groans even louder when his own alarm goes off a few seconds later, and forcefully reminds himself that getting out of bed is the hard part - once that's over with, there's coffee. Still, as usual, it takes him until the very last second to get out of bed, and he doesn't have time to have a shower at this point, but he's still got time to grab coffee if he hurries - priorities. He tries not to wake Sam up while banging around in the kitchen in his rush, and he just barely gets out of the apartment complex in time, still struggling with the lid of his travel mug. 

He pulls into his usual spot on the far side of the parking lot, killing the engine and grabbing his coffee before climbing out of the car. He double-checks the locks twice before stumbling across the parking lot in the dark, pulling out the mini flashlight on his keychain to properly see the lock on the door. He enters the four-digit code and waits for the green light before pushing the door open and letting it fall shut behind him. Shoving his keys back into his pocket, Dean proceeds to make his rounds, flicking on light switches and turning on machinery.

Charlie and Kevin arrive a little while later, both grinning and waving sleepily to Dean as they cross to their cake station at the far end of the kitchen. Charlie’s been around longer than anyone, decorating cakes and doing custom orders, and Kevin’s the newest hire, but the pair of them get along brilliantly - Dean had known they would from the second Kevin showed up to his interview in a Han Solo shirt. 

Dean leaves them to it so he can check the freezers and get set up out front. He goes to the freezers first, clipboard and lists in hand, because, to be frank, he hates checking them so he may as well get it over and done with. It’s not really a big deal, all he has to do is check the stock and make note of what has to be ordered so that Gabe – or Dean – can place the orders. Checking off his list, he makes a mental note that they’re expecting a delivery later that day. 

Their delivery guy is a short, anxious guy that Gabriel likes to tease just a little bit too much for it to be entirely platonic, and Dean feels a little relieved for Chuck that he's the only one there for most of the day. 

Smirking to himself, Dean makes his way out to the front, and despite his eagerness to get everything set up, his mind keeps wandering back to Gabriel's brother. So far the guy's been shrouded in mystery; Gabe's been pretty closed about him, not letting out more than a few choice pieces of information, and it's driving Dean crazy. All he has to go on is what he knows about Gabriel, and one can only hope there's only one of _him_ in the world - Gabriel's great, but he can be overwhelming. He continues through his tasks, turning on coolers and wiping down tables, imagining this laid back guy with comical tendencies and a goofy smile. 

Castiel Novak turns out to be nothing at all like Dean expected. 

He and Gabriel arrive at the bakery just after two, and Gabe looks happier than Dean's ever seen him, beaming at anyone and everyone, and showing off his little brother like he's some trophy he won. Dean's standing behind the counter, working on his third cup of coffee and watching Gabe bounce around between the regular customers like some sort of over-energized puppy. He's only seen the back of Cas' head so far, having come out from the kitchen when they were already occupied, but his image of the guy is shot to hell the second he turns around. Cas' eyes fall on him, and for a second, Dean thinks he's staring directly into his soul. Castiel is fucking gorgeous, to say the least. 

He's dressed in dark slacks and a pale pink shirt that fits him remarkably well, and Dean's having a hard time taking his eyes off of him. When he smiles at Dean, his eyes crinkle at the corners, and those damn eyes of his shine so brightly it's a wonder everyone else in the room isn't staring too. He strides over to the counter, still beaming, and extends a hand to Dean. 

"Hello, Dean." And _Jesus_ , as if his face wasn't enough, the guy's voice is like gravel and smoke, and Dean's starting to realize why Gabe's been so reluctant to talk about him. 

"Uh-" he stumbles, clasping Cas' hand, and Cas' nose crinkles as he shakes. 

"Your nametag," he clarifies, "and Gabriel's told me a lot about you."

_Oh shit._

"Yeah, you too," he grins, regaining control of his mouth, "he said you're coming to work?"

"I'll be in later this afternoon." Dean nods in acknowledgement, and then Gabriel's pulling Cas away, waggling his eyebrows at Dean, and they're out the door with a hurried _see you later_.

Dean finds that he really can't wait until _later_.

\- - -

Cas and Gabe do come back - while Dean's making a fresh pot of coffee. Cas has changed from pink to white, his sleeves rolled up just past his elbows, and when he slips behind the counter with Gabe, Dean nearly pours coffee all over himself. All he can hope is that Cas' visit will be short, because long-term, this guy's gonna be a serious threat to his well-being.

As it turns out, he's wrong. Not about wanting Cas' visit to be short, because there is no way he's surviving more than a week with the guy, but because he's infuriating. Castiel Novak is a stuck up perfectionist with a special knack for irritating Dean, and he seems to have a problem with every single aspect of Dean's personality. Which is wonderful, especially seeing they're working together out front, and Gabriel is happier than pig in shit to have his brother around. 

So Dean deals, because of Gabriel; because Gabe's the best boss he's ever had, and a good friend, and he's damn good when Dean needs anything he can't go to Sam for. Besides, Cas is hot, so if he can just learn to tune him out, putting up with him shouldn't be too hard. He holds with this mentality until 3pm, when Lisa Braeden comes in with her son. She and Dean have known each other since preschool, so when he sees her, he leans over the counter, grinning at her as he always does.

"Hey there beautiful, what can I get for you?"

Lisa shoots him a flirty look and hitches her son up on her hip, "we came in to get cupcakes for Auntie's birthday, didn't we, Ben?" The boy grins up at her, and Dean mirrors his expression. 

"Awesome, what're you looking for?"

"Just an assortment, nothing fancy."

"Sure thing, sweetheart," Dean flashes her a wink as he pushes off the counter, and heads over to the stand-up coolers. There's pre-made boxes of cupcakes from this morning, and he grabs the nicest box he can find. Turning around, he comes face-to-face with an apparently displeased Castiel, and really, no one should look that good when they're scowling.

"You work at a bakery Dean, not a bar. I would suggest you start acting like it."

Dean can feel his eyebrows jump into his hair as Cas brushes past him, and he takes the box back over to Lisa as calmly as he can. Ben's sitting on the counter when he returns, bumping his heels against the glass front, and Lisa looks up from him to Dean with a smirk. 

"Who's the new guy?" she asks. 

"Gabe's brother, just flew in this afternoon."

"Ah."

" _Ah_?"

"Well, I'm not totally sure, but that was either an I'm-going-to-kill-you look, or an I'm-going-to-fuck-you look," she grins and turns to look in Cas' direction, craning to see him over the other customers. 

"I can promise you, it's an I'm-going-to-kill-you look," Dean chuckles falsely, "anything else for you today?"

"Nope. Just the cupcakes. I do expect updates on him though," she grins suggestively at him and if it was anyone else, Dean would probably be annoyed, but he just shakes his head, accepts the money she offers him, and hands her change to Ben, to happily thrusts the coins up into his mother's face. She beams down at him and kisses his nose as she takes the coins.

"Thanks babe, thanks Dean, see you soon."

"See you, Lis," he waves. He watches her leave the shop, and then there's a pressure against his back, and he turns to see Cas standing behind him.

"Do you flirt with all your customers?" he asks.

"Only the cute ones," Dean winks back. He gets an exasperated sigh in return.

"It's not very professional," Cas mumbles, but Dean's already heading into the back, pretending not to have heard him. 

It turns out to be the longest goddamn day of his life, the only upside being the conversation he has with Gabe on the way out, when Gabe lets slip that Cas is only home for the holidays. He sneaks out through the back before Gabe locks up, and who should be outside on his phone, but Cas, frowning intensely at the Impala. Personal criticism Dean can deal with, but if that asshole says one thing about his Baby, he's gonna end up regretting it. 

Thankfully, Cas barely glances in his direction before turning away to finish his conversation. As Dean unlocks the driver's side door, he can't help but be a little annoyed that Cas didn't say anything; he has a damn fine car and she deserves to be appreciated.

"Whatever," he grumbles, slipping into his seat, "don't worry about him Baby, guy just has no taste." Jamming the key into the ignition more roughly than necessary, Dean pulls out of the parking lot, pointedly not looking back, and makes the drive home to the mostly mellow tune of Houses of the Holy.

Sam's making dinner when he gets home, the TV turned up and tuned to some god awful music channel to act as a radio. Dean immediately turns it down enough to hear himself and walks into the kitchen to peer over Sam's shoulder.

"What's for dinner?" He grins, leaning over and picking a piece of chicken out of the frying pan on the stove.

"Stir fry and rice," Sam replies casually, batting Dean's hand away as he reaches for the bottle of soy sauce. "How was work?"

Dean just shrugs, "it was good. Lisa was in with Ben."

"How's Gabe's brother?" Dean pulls a face and Sam turns back to face him. "That good, huh?"

"He hates me, which would bother me a lot more if he wasn't a giant asshole."

"Sounds good,” Sam muses sarcastically, “what did he do?"

"He likes to pick on everything I do, and he's so by the book I want to punch him just to see if he'll react."

"I would suggest not doing that. Gabe loves you, but I'm pretty sure biological family comes first."

"Yeah, well," Dean grabs a couple of plates from the cupboard and sets them on the counter next to Sam. "Least he's only here over Christmas."

Sam doesn't comment as he dishes out food onto their plates. He hands one over to Dean and opens the fridge, sticking a couple cans of beer under his arm before following Dean into the living room and sitting down next to him. Dean flicks through channels until he finds something Sam doesn't complain about, and they settle into an easy silence, broken only by the message tone on Dean's phone. Gabriel, of course.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," he groans. Sam gives an inquisitive humming sound and Dean flops back against the couch. "Cas is opening with me tomorrow."

"You really don't like this guy, do you?"

"Nope."

"Is he hot?"

"What? Why?"

"You don't usually bitch about coworkers unless you're pissed that you can't sleep with them."

Dean nearly spits out the mouthful of rice he's attempting to swallow, "what?"

"Thought so," Sam smirks, and Dean would shove him if he didn't have a plate in his lap. It’s not like he hasn't thought about fucking Cas, despite the fact he's known him for all of four hours, but that's not the point. 

"Whatever," he grumbles, "dude's a douche either way so it doesn't matter."

"Uh huh," Sam grins to himself. Dean just shakes his head and switches the TV back to the sci-fi channel. 

They finish eating and Dean grudgingly offers to wash the dishes. He keeps checking for a reply from Gabe, but there's nothing until just before he crawls into bed, and when he checks his phone there are five new messages from him.

_I'm sorry about Cas._

_I honestly don't know what his problem is, he’s not usually so blunt._

_Well, he’s blunt, but he’s not usually such an ass._

_Please try and get along with him._

_And don't destroy everything when I'm gone._

Dean exhales deeply and types out _I'll try_ before plugging his phone into its charger and shoving it under his pillow. It's an honest answer; he will always make an attempt to get along with a coworker, however difficult they may be, but he can't promise that Cas will make the same effort. For the first time in the three years he's worked there, Dean's not looking forward to work the next morning.

\- - -

The next few days pass in pretty much the same fashion, then Dean has three whole Cas-free days in a row, and everything is wonderful. Unfortunately Monday rolls around again, and Dean has to drag himself out of bed and it takes two cups of coffee before he can even be in the same room as Cas without wanting to punch him in his stupid, gorgeous. Naturally, Sam chooses that day to come in and 'see who this Cas guy is.'

Dean's wiping down the counter when he hears Gabe's exclamation and " _I'll introduce you to Cas._ " He turns around to see his brother being tugged toward the counter by an overexcited Gabriel, and he eyes them both suspiciously. Sam just waves at him before he's pulled into the back, and Dean's pretty sure that doesn't mean anything good for him. 

As a distraction, he takes it upon himself to check on the Missouri and her husband Rufus; a couple of regulars who are constantly bickering over something, but always leave hand in hand. Despite her knack for knowing exactly what Dean's about to do and calling him on it, he actually really loves Missouri, and Rufus' bad temper is more endearing than irritating - most of the time. 

"Your brother's trying to move in on your man," Missouri smiles into her tea, not even looking up as Dean approaches their table. 

"He's not my anything," Dean corrects, leaning on the spare chair between them. 

"Mmhm," she hums, "don't try and tell me there's nothing going on, I'm not blind."

"Missouri-"

"Take it from someone who knows, no one fights like that but a couple," she nods as if she's pleased with herself, and before Dean can reply that he's only known Cas for a week, Rufus scowls across the table at his wife.

"We don't fight," he insists. 

"Mmhm."

"We don't." 

Dean straightens up and claps his hands together, ready escape what is bound to be another one of their mini-spats, "can I get you guys anything else?"

"We're fine," Missouri smiles up at him.

"Perfect, I'm gonna-" he gestures back toward the counter and turns on his heel. He loves them both to death, but if he's learned one thing knowing them, it's that you don't get in the middle of an argument between Rufus and Missouri Mosely. Sam's leaning on the counter when he slips behind it, and he grins up at Dean. 

"He's kinda cute."

"Shut up, Sam, he's a pain in my ass." 

Sam just chuckles at him and pushes himself up off the counter, "I'll see you at home, I just stopped by to see if Gabe can do a cake for Brady's birthday."

Dean cocks an eyebrow at him, "you couldn't just ask me that?"

"Had to come in and see Cas," Sam shrugs. 

"Of course you did. Get outta here, I'll see you later." 

Dean watches his brother leave, and sighs as the door falls shut. Three more hours and he can get out of here, and no more Cas for fifteen hours. It's probably pathetic that he's literally counting hours now, but that's what a pain in the ass the guy is, he's got Dean counting down until he has to see him again. The thought of tomorrow only gets worse when Gabe asks him to lock up with Cas, and right as he's walking out the door, too. 

"You know I wouldn't ask, but I've got a date." Gabriel does this unintentional chest puffing thing, and Dean's torn between arguing with him and laughing at him.

"Fine. I swear to God, though, if he's an asshole about it-"

"Yeah, yeah, I know. It'll be fine. You’re both big boys, you can manage to work alone together without killing each other. I promise."

"I'm holding you to that, if I end up dead-"

"Go home, Dean," Gabe chuckles, clapping him on the shoulder, "I'll see you in the morning."

\- - -

The following morning turns out to be another two-cup morning, and Dean's still groggy when he pushes the back door open and nearly slams into Charlie.

"Morning, sleeping beauty," she grins, "late night?"

"I wish. More like early morning. I was up at five and didn't get back to sleep."

"Aw, princess."

"Shut it, Bradbury."

She beams at him, "heard you’re closing with Cas tonight."

"Don't remind me."

"Looking forward to being all alone with him?" she asks, batting her eyelashes and clasping her hands mockingly.

"Why does everything think there's something going on?" Dean huffs, pushing past her into the staff room. He hangs up his coat, and turns to find Charlie leaning in the doorway.

"Because no one fights like that unless they're fucking."

"That's what Missouri said," Dean frowns.

"Lady knows what she's talkin' about."

"Charlie, can you at least wait until after ten to start all this shit?"

"Kevin's off sick, I need someone to bug," she rolls her eyes and grins innocently at him.

Dean shakes his head, huffing a quiet laugh, "note to self: never let Kevin get sick ever. You want coffee, I'm gonna make a pot."

"You should probably drink _less_ caffeine, not more."

"Soon as Gabe starts letting me drink whiskey on the job, I'll stop with the coffee. Promise." He winks as he as he slips past, grabbing her mug from her, "I'll be back in a minute."

Cas is out front, putting out pastries and Dean has to squish past him to avoid asking him to move. He knows it's immature, but he also knows Cas would probably start to bitch, and he figures first thing in the morning is too early to start a fight. He makes coffee for himself and Charlie, taking her mug back to her, and when he comes back out, there's a gorgeous blonde waiting at the counter. Checking to make sure Cas isn't going to intercept him and throw a bitch fit, Dean strolls over to the counter, flashing her the widest smile he can muster. 

"Mornin' sweetheart, how can I help?"

The woman grins back at him, biting her lower lip, "just a medium coffee and a blueberry muffin."

"No problem," Dean winks. He spins around and nearly crashes into Cas holding a tray of empty mugs. "Sorry," he mumbles, and Cas just shakes his head and huffs over to the counter. Dean delivers a coffee and muffin to the blonde, but he's thrown off. Still, he flirts his way to a phone number, and whether or not he ever plans on using it, he's glad Cas hasn't managed to throw him off _that_ much. 

For the most part, the rest of the day passes well. Gabriel's a fantastic peacekeeper, and Cas spends a lot of his time in the back while Dean's up front. Then Gabe leaves for his date, and everything falls apart. 

In his entire time there, Dean's never had such a hectic day, and it's just his luck that it would happen as soon as Gabe leaves. Cas is already pissed at him because of the blonde, and because accepting phone numbers from customers while your working is inappropriate or some shit, and after he made one too many remarks about it, it ended in a full on shouting match in the kitchen, while Charlie covered out front. That was nearly an hour ago now, and Cas hasn't spoken to him since. He doesn't until an enormous group of theatre kids flow into the bakery, and they're forced to communicate. 

Dean's just thankful that it's not some fancy restaurant where he has to try and seat everyone; most of the kids find their own tables, but there are about twenty of them, and he's trying to get their orders down as quickly as he can, while also trying to make his writing legible, so Cas doesn't have another reason to bitch at him. 

Halfway through the orders, the coffee machine goes down and Dean has to pull Charlie from the kitchen to help Cas so he can fix it. He's already in a bad mood from the argument and trying to serve so many damn people at once, and then he burns his hand on the espresso maker, and if it wasn't for Charlie, he'd be walking out of there so fast, but he can't leave her alone, especially not on a night like this. 

Between the three of them, they manage to get everyone their food and drinks error-free, but by that time it's almost five o'clock and there's no way they're getting out of there on time. When five does roll around, Dean lets the kitchen staff out the back, and closes up everything back there. It takes him almost half an hour, and he ends up having to call the alarm company to let them know they're going to be closing late. When he makes it back to the front, Cas looks almost as pissed off as he feels, his usual cheery demeanor gone, and the ever-present bags under his eyes far more pronounced. 

"Called the alarm guys, told 'em I'd call if we think we're gonna be longer than an hour."

"Christ, I hope not." 

Dean nods sympathetically, and starts packing things up and turning things off. Cas follows along behind him, wiping down counters and machines, and huffing as he goes. 

It's six by the time the last person leaves, and Dean's already called the alarm company back and told them not to worry, he doesn't know when they're closing up tonight. Cas practically runs to the door to lock it, and Dean pulls down the blinds and starts pushing tables and chairs back into positions. He thinks he's home free, survived the day with only one fight, but then he glances up and Cas is staring at him. 

"The chairs are too close to each other," he says, and Dean's so ready to slap him it's not even funny.

"I'll fix them in the morning, dude, I just wanna get the fuck out of here and go home."

"Dean-" Dean moves on to the next table, and Cas sighs heavily at him. "If you just do it now, you won't have to worry about it in the morning."

"You know what? You want it done your way, you do it," Dean shoves a chair out of his way and storms back behind the counter, but Cas is on his heels. He barely makes it through the kitchen doors before he's shoved up against the wall.

"What the fuck is your problem?"

" _My_ problem?" Dean huffs, unfazed by the fact that he's got six feet of pissed off Cas pressing him into the wall. "What about you? I know how to do my fuckin' job, Cas. Pretty sure Gabe woulda let me go a long time ago if I didn't."

"I don't know why he hired you in the first place," Cas hisses, "you're infuriating, you know that?" Dean misses the rest of his rant, because his brain’s taken a sudden interest in Cas' lips. Sure, the guy's annoying as fuck, but those lips are unbelievable; pale and plush and Dean can't seem to take his eyes off them. 

Suddenly every fiber of his being is desperate to kiss him, and all at once, in the middle of Cas' rant, he does.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It all changes the second Monday in October. Gabe's closing early for some local event that Dean's never heard of, and Dean and Cas are closing together so he can go. Normally he would bitch at Gabe about ditching out on them to go have fun, but closing with Cas means Dean's not only getting off work early, but he’s also getting laid, which just makes today about the best day ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of past abuse/non-con and John being a shitty father.

There's a beat of silence, and Dean's suddenly terrified that he's going to end up with a black eye – or worse - and then Cas is shoving himself into Dean's personal space and kissing him like he's dying for it. He thrusts his tongue into Dean's mouth as his hands slide under Dean's shirt, gripping his sides and pulling him closer. It's hot and fast and messy, and suddenly Cas is yanking Dean's shirt over his head, panting in the brief moments their mouths are apart, and Dean debates stopping this before it happens, but then Cas is biting his lips and tugging his own shirt off and he loses all coherency.

Cas is fucking gorgeous, and Dean just wants to get his lips all over that tanned skin, but he’s is making that impossible, shoving his hands into Dean's hair and curling his tongue around his. Dean moans into his mouth, helpless to resist. He's rock hard in his jeans, and Cas is doing exactly nothing to calm him down, every touch sending fire through his veins. He rolls his hips, nipping at Cas' lower lip, and the sound that Cas lets out nearly kills him. Without thinking, he reaches down and tugs Cas' pants open, shoving them down past his ass and wrapping a fist around Cas' hard cock. 

Cas thrusts into his fist, letting out a strangled " _fuck_ ," and then both hands are in Dean's hair and he's crushing their lips together, rocking his hips steadily. He moans and gasps against Dean's lips, pressing closer as his hips speed up, and then Cas is shoving a hand down his pants and dragging his fingers up the length of Dean's cock. Dean's hips press into the touch, arousal pulsing through him, and he winds the fingers of his free hand into Cas' hair, pulling him closer. 

" _Fuck_ ," he groans. Cas practically growls in response and his hand drops to undo Dean's jeans, pulling him out and tugging Dean's hand off his own erection to grind against him. The uneven friction is maddening, and Dean thrusts forward hard, pressing himself into Cas' hip with a low moan. His hands are suddenly pushed back against the wall, shoved up above his head, and then Cas is plastered against him again, dipping his head to suck at the bolt of his jaw. 

"I want to fuck you," he groans, "I want you so fucking badly." 

Dean barely manages a moan response before Cas' lips are on his again, his tongue thrusting back into Dean's mouth. He releases one of Dean's hands, curling his finger around both of them and rutting into the tunnel of his own fist. "Dean-"

"Yes," Dean gasps, "fuck yes, Cas, I want you to fuck me-" 

"Lube?" Cas asks, dragging his teeth over the skin on Dean's neck. 

"In my car-"

"Too fuckin' far-" Cas pulls back and glances around before nipping at Dean's lip, "stay here." Dean just stops himself from whining as Cas moves away, but he's back in seconds, mouthing at Dean's neck. 

"Turn around," he breathes, and Dean's way too eager to comply, bumping against Cas as he goes. He leans against the wall, resting on his forearms with his ass pushed out and jeans halfway down his thighs. Cas bends over him and Dean can feel the length of his cock pressing against his ass and _fuck_ , he wants it so badly. 

"What'd you find," he breathes, pushing his hips back as he hears the scrape of a cap turning. Cas presses a hand against his back to keep him still. 

"Olive oil. It's not perfect, but-"

"I don't give a shit, Cas. _Fuck me_." 

"Fuck," Cas growls, biting at Dean's shoulder, and then cold, slick fingers press into him, and everything else blurs into the background. 

He tries to hold still, but he's desperate, so turned on that his cock is dripping, smearing pre-come on the wall with his every thrust. Cas works him open as quickly as efficiently at the situation allows, one hand curled around Dean's hip as he does, but even as he pulls his hand away, rubbing over Dean's rim, it feels like an eternity. There's a pause in which Dean's sure he can hear the sound of dust moving through the air, and then the dull head of Cas' cock presses against him and he breaches him with a stuttered moan. Dean balls his hands into fists, pressing his hips back, but Cas stops him, holding him steady and easing in at his own pace. 

"I don't wanna hurt you," he breathes, and just the sound of that voice against his ear stops Dean's protest on his tongue and sends of shiver down his spine. Cas mutters soft curses as he presses forward, sinking deeper until Dean can feel the jut of his hips against his back. 

"Are you alright?"

Dean nods, "yeah." It's a little uncomfortable - he would really prefer proper lube - and the wall is fucking cold where his bare skin touches it, but Cas is hot against his back, and the press of his fingers and the sensation of his breath against Dean's skin makes up for all other discomfort. Cas raises a hand up to cover Dean's, the other still firm around his hip, and he draws back slowly, thrusting in again sharply. 

He works into a steady rhythm, fucking into him with precision, and when Dean arches his back and shoves his hips back, Cas' cock presses against his prostate and he practically collapses against the wall. Cas hums against his neck and his fingers drag down, Dean's stomach, curling tightly around his cock and pulling up. Dean drops his head back with a moan, and Cas runs his thumb over his bottom lip, pressing against it as he fucks him harder. He groans as Dean sucks two fingers into his mouth, flicking his tongue between them, and pressing his teeth down lightly. 

Cas withdraws his hand suddenly, shoving Dean up hard against the wall until his chest is flat against it, and his slick fingers move down to rub circles over Dean's nipple. Dean cries out, thrusting hard into Cas' fist and dropping back onto his cock. He throws his head back onto Cas' shoulder, and there's a hot mouth against his own immediately, licking the line of his lower lip and kissing him so hard Dean's sure he's gonna have a bruise. The thought of coming into work in the morning with the reminder of this visible on his lip sparks something desperate inside him and he kisses back with fervor. 

He can feel the burn of release building, and he pushes back onto Cas with every thrust. When Cas' fingers come up to rub over the head of his cock, Dean's sure he's going to lose what little control he has left, and then Cas hooks his chin over his shoulder, pressing completely against his back. 

"Fuck, Dean," he breathes, "I'm gonna come," he tilts his head, nipping at Dean's throat and sucking at the thing skin, then he thrusts hard and rolls his hips, grinding against Dean's prostate and it's like a dam bursts.

" _Fuck_ ," Dean grunts, " _Cas, I'm coming, I'm coming, I-_ " 

A drawn out whimper drops from his lips, and Cas wraps an arm around his chest, holding him close and kissing his neck as Dean comes hard, shooting thick ropes of come up the wall and over Cas' fingers. He's not even through it when Cas' cock jerks inside him and his mouth seals around Dean's as he slips over the edge with him. 

Dean's still shaking when Cas comes down, one hand gripped tightly around Cas'. They stand in near silence, both leaning heavily against the wall for support, and Cas presses kisses between his shoulder blades. He stops suddenly, huffing a soft laugh, and he presses his forehead against Dean's back. 

"Gabriel's gonna kill me," he laughs, and Dean manages to twist around to face him, leaning back against the wall. 

"Huh," he grins.

"What? You find the fact that my brother's going to kill me amusing?"

"No," Dean shrugs, "just didn't know you knew how to laugh."

"Shut up," Cas sneers, but the expression beneath is clearly amused, and he leans forward, catching Dean's lips in a too-soft kiss before backing away. "We should really get cleaned up," he chuckles before Dean has a chance to respond, and yeah, he's got a point.

\- - -

It takes them almost 45 minutes to clean up and finish locking up the shop, most of which time is spent making up a story to tell Gabriel should he happen to ask why neither of them left until almost eight o'clock. They both leave out the back door, and Cas declines the ride Dean offers him, though he does it with a brief smile, pulling his hand out of his pocket to wave, and Dean groans internally because Cas looks _really_ good in a hat and scarf. He watches him for a few seconds before pulling out of the parking lot and turning off in the direction of home.

\- - -

The second time it happens, it's entirely Dean's fault. They're closing together again because with the holidays looming just around the corner, its insanely busy most days, and Gabe's started closing an hour later to keep up with the demand. They're half an hour late closing again, and just about to head out, when Cas realizes he was supposed to email a customer back about a Christmas basket, and he slips into Gabriel's office while Dean waits by the door. After a couple minutes Dean gets impatient and goes to find out what's taking so long.

Cas is sitting on Gabe's rolling stool, hunched over as he peers at the list of emails, trying to find the right one. Dean tries to convince him to leave it until morning, but Cas is apparently just as stubborn as his brother, and insists on doing if now.

So Dean sits, and thinks, and his mind wanders back to when they were alone together last, remembering the touch and taste of Cas, and before he knows it, he's palming his cock through his jeans, trying to keep his arousal at bay. Cas just continues on, completely oblivious, until Dean can't stand it anymore and he rises to his feet behind him, pushing his palms up Cas' back.

"How much longer are you gonna be?"

"You're awfully impatient," is Cas' only response, so Dean figures this is okay and slides his hands all the way back down, pushing them over Cas' thighs. He spreads his fingers and drags them up to the crease of his hip, dipping into his inner thighs.

Cas still doesn't move, or push him away, so Dean pulls his jacket off his shoulders and presses up against him, rolling his hips so Cas can feel how hard he is.

"You're not very subtle are you?" Cas asks, his breath coming out a little shakily.

"I want you," Dean breathes, leaning close over him, "right now." Cas spins around on his stool and Dean has no warning whatsoever before he's being pulled down into Cas' lap and kissed demandingly.

He lets out a cry of surprise when Cas stands up, lifting him off his feet and plopping him down on Gabe's desk, but then Cas is tugging at his belt and yanking his jeans down and nothing else even registers.

Cas fucks him hard and fast, their mouths separating only to breathe, and when he leans in, Dean wraps his legs around him, jeans dangling from one ankle. It's better than before despite the fact that they're both still dressed because apparently Gabriel keeps lube in his desk, and Dean doesn't really want to know why, but he's fucking glad that he does.

When he comes, he comes hard, digging his nails into the back of Cas' neck. Cas collapses on top of him, panting and cursing softly, and then he tugs Dean up, they clean themselves up, and they're off. Apparently sending the email can wait until tomorrow after all.

Sam gives him an odd look when he gets home, but Dean just waves it off and makes his way into the shower.

\- - -

He starts carrying lube around in his pocket, just in case. They still fight, of course, but their arguments are less frequent, less severe seeing as most of the heat that fuelled them is spent otherwise, usually back in the kitchen after closing or in Gabe's office.

Then one morning when Dean gets in, Cas has coffee ready for him, and when he smiles that rare, genuine smile, it unleashes a swarm of butterflies in Dean's stomach that really shouldn't be there at all. He files the thought away in a little box in the back of his mind that he has no intention of ever acknowledging and claps Cas on the shoulder before crossing to turn over the open sign. 

The rest of the day, is long and drawn out, punctuated only by an argument between two girls about how to give 'the perfect blowjob'. At one point Dean has to turn around to stop from laughing, and on his way past Cas leans in close and bumps against him.

"If you take their table so I don’t have to, I'll give you a personal demonstration later." 

Dean nearly chokes, but Cas just looks at him and smirks, slipping past him with a tray of cupcakes and tea. Needless to say, Dean takes the girls’ table.

\- - -

It all changes the second Monday in October. Gabe's closing early for some local event that Dean's never heard of, and Dean and Cas are closing together so he can go. Normally he would bitch at Gabe about ditching out on them to go have fun, but closing with Cas means Dean's not only getting off work early, but he’s also getting laid, which just makes today about the best day ever.

Gabriel heads out at two, confirming that he's called the alarm company about closing early, and when three o'clock finally rolls around, the place is completely dead. The finish up out front in near silence, and Dean's barely finished switching off the last of the lights in the kitchen when his back hits the wall, and Cas presses in on him, kissing him softly. 

"Can we get out of here?" he hums. 

"Oh hell, yeah," Dean breathes. Cas runs his hands down his chest, curling his fingers around the edge of his coat and pulling him along with him. He's barely able to lock the back door with Cas pressed against his back, and he's grateful it gets dark so early because he's surprised Cas hasn't already undressed him right there in the parking lot. 

The alarm beeps its confirmation that it's set, and Cas spins him around, already unbuttoning his shirt. They stumble back to the car and fall into the backseat just as Cas gets his shirt undone. He runs his hands up Dean's stomach and pushes him back against the opposite door, shutting his behind him. It's a matter of seconds before he's got Dean's jeans open, and he licks up the length of him, grinning as Dean gasps out a breathy " _oh fuck¬-_ ". Cas sucks at the head of his cock, curling his fist around the shaft and pumping in time with his ministrations. 

Dean relaxes against the door, one hand gripping the front seat as Cas drives him right up to the edge, and then stops. Dean whines as Cas pulls off of him with a wet pop, and slides up over him. 

"Baby, what're you doin'?"

Cas just hums and kisses him as he works on his own pants, undoing them and slipping them down past his hips. He drapes himself back over Dean, propping himself up on one arm as the other winds itself around Dean's neck, fingers carding through his hair. His hips press down hard and Dean bites his lip, tipping his forehead against Cas'. 

"Cas?" he breathes, "Cas, can I fuck you?" 

All at once, everything stops, and Cas drops his head, looking anywhere but at him. When Dean does get a look at his face, he looks almost scared, and he tips his chin up to face him.

"I'm sorry, I just-" he raises his eyes and he looks like he's about to give everything up.

"Hey," Dean tugs his jeans back up and pulls himself into a sitting position, reaching out to run a hand down Cas' arm, "it's okay."

"No, it’s not," Cas shuffles awkwardly back into his own clothes and leans back against the door, his breath coming too fast. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Dean whispers, leaning in to run his thumb over Cas' cheek, "I'll never do anything that makes you uncomfortable."

There's a long silence that follows, and then Cas presses his cheek into Dean's hand and drops his gaze, "I was in an abusive relationship for three years," he breathes, his voice shaky and uncertain.

"Cas, you don't have to tell me." There are a thousand emotions zipping through Dean's mind, and his heart thuds uncomfortably against his chest, but he forces himself calm and holds out a hand to Cas.

"I want you to understand."

Dean nods and shaky fingers wrap around his own, and Cas turns, shifting to sit between Dean's legs, his back pressed against his chest. Dean presses his nose into his hair and closes his eyes, his hands on Cas' legs as Cas traces indiscernible patterns into Dean's thighs.

"His name was Luke," he starts uneasily. Dean covers his hand with his own, desperate to offer Cas some sort of comfort. He's surprised when Cas' fingers slip between his own again, and squeeze tightly.

"He seemed so great when I met him, and at first he was. He was the best thing that ever happened to me and I fell for him completely, but then we moved in together..." He trails off, playing absently with Dean's fingers. "It started with small things, and I didn't think much of it, but it escalated until he was practically demanding to know where I was at all times. It got to a point where anything sexual was... rarely consensual."

Anger flares in Dean's chest, accompanied by a desperate aching pain that anyone would ever do that to Cas, "you know I would never do that, right?"

"Of course," Cas nods softly, "I just want you to know why I- why I can't."

"I know. I'm so sorry, Cas."

"I didn't even know you then."

"Still."

Cas leans back, tipping his head onto Dean's shoulder and presses his nose under his jaw, "thank you, Dean."

"For what?"

"For listening, and for not being weird about it," Cas' hand comes up to cup Dean's cheek, turning his head until he can fit their lips together softly, "I've never told anyone before, only Gabriel knows."

"Why me?"

Cas doesn't answer, just holds Dean's face more firmly and kisses him again, his eyelashes brushing Dean’s cheek as they move together. Dean’s fingers slide into his hair, combing through it and pulling him closer. Cas hums, kissing him deeper as he turns himself to press against Dean, sitting in his lap. It's intimate, more so than it ever has been before, even at the closest they've been, which is understandable considering the conversation, but it's new, and Dean's falling back, giving Cas total control. 

Cas touches him so softly, so reverently that it's hard to remember the shouting match they had two days ago. No one's touched him like this since he can remember and despite Cas' confession, he can't help the sparks of arousal that seem to burst from Cas' fingertips wherever the man touches him.

Cursing himself internally, he pulls away, dipping his chin, and pushes Cas back gently, "I'm sorry," he breathes, shifting awkwardly.

"Why?"

"You just told me something incredibly personal and devastating and I'm-" he gestures down at himself and shrugs uncomfortably.

"Aroused?" Cas offers, resting a hand on his thigh, "Dean, I don't want you to feel sorry for me. What happened was in the past, and I'm trying to leave it there. I don't want you tip-toeing around me, alright?" he leans in, pressing a soft kiss to Dean's lips, "maybe we should just go."

Dean nodes mutely, pulling away. He feels like an asshole, and he's almost 100% sure he's just gone and fucked everything up so he adjusts himself silently and slips out of the backseat and into the front, waiting for Cas to join him. 

As the pull out of the parking lot, he turns up the music only to have Cas turn it down seconds later.

"Dean?"

"Yeah?" he grumbles, turning off in the direction of Gabriel's apartment.

"What are you doing tonight?"

"Huh?"

"I was thinking we could watch a movie or something, just at home, nothing fancy." He shrugs when Dean looks over like he's expecting him to turn him down, but Dean huffs out a breath of relief. 

"Yeah, Sammy's at a study group, so he won't be home for a while if you wanna come over."

"Study group on Sunday?"

"Yeah, I know. Kid's a genius though, so," he shrugs, "the apartment's free anyway though, if you want."

"Yeah," Cas nods, "let's go back to your place."

Dean pretends he's totally comfortable with the prospect of bringing Cas home, trying his hardest not to tap his fingers anxiously against the steering wheel. It's not having Cas in his home that's really the problem, it's the idea of being alone with him in his own personal space, and yeah, he tries to tell himself he's not too invested in this whole situation but really, given the chance, he would do just about anything for Cas. Which is probably a bad things seeing as, today aside, it's never been anything but a quick fuck in the back of the bakery and then they go their own ways. 

The drive back home gets quiet and Dean's way more anxious than he should be about it, so he turns up the stereo to full the silence and taps along to the beat. Sam's gone when they arrive, and Dean tosses his coat over the back of a chair, inviting Cas to sit down and make himself comfortable.

"You want a drink or anything?"

"Whatever is fine," Cas grins, throwing an arm over the back of the couch. Dean grabs a couple beers from the fridge and joins Cas on the couch, handing him a can and setting his own down on the coffee table. There's a few moments of awkward silence, but for the most part Cas keeps the conversation flowing easily and Dean is insanely thankful. They find Indiana Jones on TV and Cas listens intently as Dean goes off on a tangent about introducing all the Indy movies to Sam when they were kids. 

"He always wanted to watch cartoons, but I told him they were better, and Harrison Ford, man," he grins and Cas chuckles softly. 

"Of course." 

"Sorry, I'm rambling."

"No, it's fine. It sounds like you really love your brother," his eyes flick up to meet Dean's and he smiles softly.

"More than anything. We didn't have the greatest time growing up and I practically raised him. After Mom died, Dad was here, there and everywhere but home with us, so... shit, sorry, you don't want to hear this."

"You listened to me."

"Different situations, Cas, that was important." 

Cas just smiles and leans back into the couch, watching him, "tell me about your family." 

"What do you want to know?"

"Anything."

"We uh-" Dean chuckles awkwardly, "no one's ever really cared enough to ask, and the only reason Gabe knows anything is because I had a mild breakdown at work once and it- never mind." 

Cas' fingers brush down his arm, "it's okay."

Dean takes a deep breath and turns to face forward, leaning back into the couch, "Mom died when I was four, Sam was just a baby, I don't think he even remembers her. After that we lived with my dad, travelled a lot because he couldn't hold down a job... he went from being a Marine with a happy family, to a drunk who got fired twice a month because he'd show up to work drunk or hungover and start fights on the clock," he shrugs and runs a hand over his face, 

"Dad and Sam never got along. As soon as he was old enough to realize what was going on Sam started calling Dad out on his shit. I tried to keep us together, but they never made any effort, and then one night-" he takes a shaky breath and tilts his head to look at Cas. 

"What happened?"

It’s hard to talk about, and he hasn’t mentioned that night in years, but he looks into Cas’ eyes and all he sees is honesty and reassurance, and he lets that steady him, "Sam and Dad got into it one night and it was bad, Sam brought up Mom and Dad just lost it. Kid should've just kept his mouth shut, but I stepped in for him 'cause when Dad's drunk he just-" he sighs again, "it didn't go well. I ended up with a black eye and dislocated shoulder. Dad left that night and I haven't seen him since," he shrugs like it's no big deal, "Sam kept trying to make me go to the hospital, but he just popped my shoulder back in and it was okay."

"Dean-" Cas breathes, and when Dean turns to him, he's got a concerned look on his face, like it physically hurts him to hear this, and Dean wonders if that's the same expression he wore earlier. 

"'S no big deal Cas, it's been seven years, I've learned to live with it by now." He shuts his eyes and Cas' palm presses against his cheek, turning his face to look at him. 

"Everything that happened before - with us, I mean - I'm sorry, and I'm sorry about your father."

Dean nods, "me too."

"No one should ever have to deal with that, no child should have to raise their sibling."

Dean can't figure out how Cas managed to get through their conversation earlier so calmly, because he feels like he's about to explode. He doesn't talk about his dad, he and Sam barely acknowledge that they have parents these days because it hurts, and they usually end up yelling at each other, so he doesn't know why he's bringing it up now, to Cas of all people, but it doesn't feel like release, he just feels like crap.

"That wasn't the first time things got physical with your father, was it?" Dean opens his eyes to find Cas watching him, his eyes searching.

"No."

"I'm sorry," he runs his thumb over the top of Dean's cheekbone, and Dean hadn't realized he was crying but his cheek is wet now, and his chest is tight. 

"Fuck, I'm sorry. I shouldn't- you've got this awful shit in your life and I-"

"Don't," Cas interrupts, "don't _ever_ apologize for what happened to you, or how you feel about it-" he presses closer, "don't try and compare yourself to anyone, Dean. Your feelings are valid regardless of what's happened to anyone else."

Dean shuts his eyes again, squeezing them shut as Cas' fingers comb through his hair. His fingers twitch to pull him in, to wrap his arms around him and just let Cas hold him. No one has ever in his life, just sat and listened, no one has ever told him he's allowed to feel this way, and the tears slide down his cheeks before he can stop them, and then Cas is in his lap, pressing Dean's face into his shoulder and wrapping his arms around him. Dean slides his arms up, curling his fingers over Cas' shoulders.

"I just don't want to think about it."

"Okay," Cas breathes, slipping his hand down to Dean's shoulders so he can tilt back, "tell me what you want."

"Will you stay here tonight?" he asks, barely audible. 

"Of course," Cas dips forward, letting their lips brush together lightly, "I'm sorry I brought it up."

"It's not your fault," Dean mumbles. He leans forward and deepens the kiss, drawing Cas back against himself, "you didn't know." Cas brings both hands up to cup his cheeks, and Dean bumps his forehead against his, "will you fuck me?"

"Dean-"

"I don't wanna think," he chokes, "Cas, I just- I don’t wanna think…"

"Okay," Cas breathes, tipping his chin to nip at Dean's bottom lip, "lie down." There's some awkward shuffling, but Dean ends up on his back with Cas between his legs. Cas sits him up, pulling his flannel off and tugging his t-shirt over his head, before lying him down again and dropping measured kisses down his chest. 

Dean lies back, focusing all his attention on Cas' lips and hands on his skin. He's already regretting telling Cas anything, because now he knows, and knowing means he can use it against him. Cas apparently realizes he's lost Dean's attention, because he crawls up, kissing up his neck and along his jaw. He opens Dean's jeans and pulls him out, stroking him to full hardness as he kisses him. Dean wraps both arms around his neck, pulling him down to him, and Cas fumbles with his own pants, pressing his cock against him and curling his fingers around both of them. His free hand comes up behind Dean's head, running his fingers through his hair as he presses his hips up against him. 

Dean loses himself in the slide of skin on skin, rolling onto his side and kissing Cas like his life depends on it. Cas moans softly into him and hoists Dean's leg up over his, reaching back and sliding his hand into Dean's jeans, pressing between his cheeks and pressing against his rim. Dean presses against him, and groans as Cas lets him, pushing past the muscle and rubbing into him. 

"Dean," he groans, pulling back and kissing beneath his chin, "I want you naked."

"We should go to my room," he breathes, and he barely gets out that he doesn't know when Sam's coming home before Cas is off the couch and lifting Dean up against his chest and kissing his lips. Ignoring the mess they've left behind, Cas starts down the hall, following Dean's direction, and kneels on the end of the bed, shifting up and dropping Dean onto the mattress and shifting back until he can pull his jeans off, tossing them to one side.

"Hold on," he breathes, kissing the inside of Dean's knee. He pushes himself up off the bed and crosses back to the door, closing it behind him and pulling his shirt over his head as he walks back to the bed. Dean grabs the bottle of lube beside the bed and reaches a and down between his legs, working himself open impatiently. 

"Let me," Cas hums, and when Dean looks up at him, he's completely naked, bending over to rest his hands on Dean's raised knees. Dean lets his knees down and lets Cas climb over him, his knees pressing in on Dean's hips. 

He lays over him as he slides two fingers into him, working with almost as little patience as Dean. He kisses his chest, and down his stomach rutting against the bed as Dean moans above him, pressing back on his fingers and flexing his fingers in Cas' hair. 

" _Cas_ ," he grunts, " _Cas, please-_ "

Cas pulls out and leans over him, sliding his arms underneath Dean's shoulders, "are you sure you want this?"

"Yes. I always want you." 

Cas chuckles softly and bumps their noses together to tilt Dean's head back, kissing him softly. He presses into him slowly, rocking his hips and pushing deeper with each thrust. 

Dean moans as he bottoms out, wrapping his legs around him and digging his heels into his ass, holding him close as Cas stretches him open, rutting into him. Cas is gentle, holding Dean's head and breathing against his lips as his hips work slowly, pressing into his prostate, and it’s so stupidly intimate that he has to bury his head in Cas' neck to keep from saying something stupid. 

His chest swells with affection for the man above him, and he realizes with a start that this is it, this is what he wants. He holds him close and slides his tongue into Cas' mouth, kissing him desperately. Dean takes everything he has, every feeling that he really shouldn't be feeling, and pours it into every touch, every kiss, letting Cas know that he needs him in the only way he knows. 

He comes with a muffled shout, burying his face in Cas' shoulder, just seconds before Cas, and he doesn't let go of him until they both relax again. Cas pulls out slowly and rolls onto his back, pressing his hand under Dean's head and turning him to face him. Dean follows his direction, smiling softly when Cas smiles at him, and leaning forward to kiss him. Neither of them speak, but when Cas pulls Dean into him, he moves with him easily, fitting into his side with his head on Cas' shoulder. 

Dean tugs a blanket up over them and slides his hand over Cas' stomach, curling his fingers around his side. He lets his eyes fall shut, and he's surprised when Cas' hand comes up and slides over his arm affectionately. This is new, not just for the two of them, but for Dean himself. He's not used to having people _stay_ after the sex, he's used to the awkward goodbye and going to bed alone, but Cas doesn't seem to be budging. His breath is soft in Dean's hair, and he's still stroking his arm gently. 

"You're thinking too much," Cas mumbles groggily, running a hand through Dean's hair, "just go to sleep. I'll still be here in the morning, if you want."

"Yeah," Dean hums, curling tighter around Cas and tucking his head under his chin. Cas' arm curls protectively around his waist, and it's the last thing Dean remembers before falling asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're having a great night up until Sam heads off to bed, and when he's alone in the living room, Dean can't help but pull out his phone and try Cas' number again. He's called dozens of times, and he gets cut off every time, but he's buzzed and desperate, so he tries again. It cuts off halfway through the second ring, and Dean hangs his head between his knees, turning his phone over in his hands. He goes to bed miserable again, and keeps his phone under his pillow just in case, but Cas never calls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some Dean/Lucifer right at the end of the chapter so if you're not into it, you can skip over it.
> 
> Woops, I was gonna post this earlier, but then I had a work party and drank too much and forgot it was Sunday. Also blaming the alcohol for any editing issues c:

Dean wakes up to the sound of his phone blaring at the end of the bed. Groaning, he disentangles himself from a still-sleeping Cas and crawls over him, grabbing his jeans and digging his phone out of the pocket. 

"Hello?" he mumbles, not even looking at the number. 

"Dean,” Gabe’s voice greets him, “don't suppose you've heard from Cas, have you?"

"Uh," Dean stumbles, glancing back at the unconscious man behind him, "yeah. He came over after work last night and we had a few drinks so he crashed on the couch. I think he's still out."

"Thank God,” Gabe huffs, and Dean can tell he’s running his hands through his hair, “I’m glad he’s not dead, but can you do me a favour? When Cassie wakes up, you wanna remind him what that phone of his is for?"

Dean chuckles softly, "yeah, I will."

"And tell him he's got fifteen minutes to get to work before I come over there and get him myself. Oh, and by the way, I need you in at ten." 

Dean grumbles as Gabe hangs up, and he flops back onto his bed for a few seconds before rolling over and shaking Cas' shoulder. He gets an indignant grunt in response, and practically has to push the man off the bed before he blinks awake.

"Gabe just called, he's mad that you didn't call him, and he says you've got fifteen to get to work."

"Fuck," Cas groans, running a hand through his hair in a vain attempt to tame it. He slides out of bed and tugs on his clothes quickly, turning to flash a quick smile at Dean as he buttons up his shirt. 

"How are you feeling?"

Dean shrugs, "would've been nice to be woken up by just about anyone but my boss," he hedges. 

Cas smiles, and he thankfully doesn't press further, "you gonna see me out?"

"I'm gonna have to if we want to get past Sam." Tugging on his shirt and a pair of boxers, Dean pokes his head through the door and walks out into the hall when he finds Sam's door closed. Cas sneaks out after him and they make it to the front door with no interruptions. Cas slips on his shoes and grabs his coat. Dean wants to kiss him so badly, but he refrains, smiling at Cas as he steps out into the hall.

"I'll see you in a couple hours," he grins. 

"Yeah." Dean shuts the door as Cas turns away, and he pauses for a second, leaning back against the door and rubbing both hands over his face. Last night was a mistake, and even though he wishes he could take back everything he told Cas, he'd do anything to have those hands on him again, warm and soft and caring. He mumbles a regretful " _fuck_ " before sulking back into his room for another hour and a half of sleep. 

When he wakes up again, he can hear Sam moving around in the kitchen, and he just manages to push himself out of bed before Cas bursts back into his mind. He tries to push the thoughts out of his head, but when he's searching for something to wear, he nearly trips over a pair of boxers on the floor that are definitely not his own. 

And shit, the mental image _that_ presents is not helping matters. Dean dresses himself quickly and goes out to make himself coffee, only to walk directly into a smirking Sam. 

"Should I assume the half empty can of beer on the coffee table belongs to the same person as the shoes?"

Dean can feel the heat creep up into his cheeks and he mumbles a grumpy, "yeah."

"So uh, you seeing them again?"

"Probably not," he says offhandedly, and it hurts how likely it is that that's the truth. 

"Uh," Sam starts, looking a lot more sheepish than he did a second ago, "speaking of seeing people-"

"Hm?" Dean looks under his arm from where he's reaching into the cupboard for his coffee.

"Look, I know you don't get along with him or whatever, but what would you do if I asked Cas out?"

Dean nearly drops the can of coffee on his head, and it an attempt to correct himself, he hits his head on the cupboard door and just barely holds back a curse, "what?"

"Come on, Dean, just because-"

"Don't, Sam. It's a bad idea. _Awful_ idea."

Sam cocks an eyebrow at him, "I thought you hated him, why do you even care?"

"Look I don't want the guy hanging around the apartment okay? And I don't want to have to wake up to him wandering around in his underwear."

"Right, because-" Sam pauses, and his expression changes so fast Dean barely notices before Sam's shooting him a quizzical look.

"What?" he frowns. 

"He was here last night, wasn't he?"

"Who?"

"Cas. Cas is the one who was here last night. Why didn't you just tell me you're seeing him?"

Dean sighs heavily, giving up on his coffee and leaning back on the counter, "I'm not 'seeing him' Sam."

"So you're... what? sleeping together?"

"Yeah, Sam, maybe we are. Is that a problem, for you?"

"Dean,” he starts, and Dean already knows this conversation is going to go badly, “this is a bad idea, one of you is gonna get hurt, just think about me and Ruby."

"I'm not you, Sam-"

"Dean," Sam closes his eyes and pulls up his parent face, and Dean has no idea when he learned to look so much like Dad when he's annoyed. "Why don't you just ask him out? You obviously like him if you’re letting him stay the night."

"It's not like that."

"How isn't it? You practically lit up when I asked you if someone was here last night."

"It's not my life, Sam. You're the one who goes off to school and gets married and-" Sam cuts him off with a severe bitchface.

"What, only one of us is allowed to be happy, you don't get to get married because you're not going to school-"

"No, Sam, I don't get the whole picket fence and two point five kids, because I'm no good to anyone for more than a quick fuck, so excuse me for accepting what I've got, and not asking for more than I deserve!"

In the silence that follows, Dean wants to curl up and die, because it’s true, but he shouldn’t be unloading his shit on his little brother, nosey or not. Sam's expression falls, and his shoulders drop, "how do you get through the day thinking that?"

"I do what I gotta do, Sammy." Dean pushes off the counter and past Sam out the door into the hall. He makes his way down to the car before he realizes he's left the coffeemaker on, but he doesn't even care. Sam's there, he'll turn it off or unplug it or whatever, all he cares about right now is getting away from there, and work isn't the best place to be, but it'll be better if he's got something to focus on rather than just replaying those words in his head. 

When he arrives, Charlie's just coming out of the freezer, and she looks at him for all of five seconds before she frowns at him, and pulls up a face that looks suspiciously like Sam's parent face.

"What's up?" she asks cautiously.

"Nothing much, fought with Sam, I'll be alright."

"Dean-"

"Charlie, I'm really not in the mood," he tries to push past her, but she catches him by the sleeve and tugs him back.

"Hey, if you need anything-"

"I know," he sighs, "thanks." He drops his coat in the staff room and grabs his apron from his hook, and heads out front, barley sparing a wave for Kevin as he walks past. 

Cas frowns at him from one of the coolers as he walks in, and Dean notes that he hasn't been home to change, which does one hell of a good job of distracting him, because that means he's wearing all of nothing under those jeans. 

"I thought you weren't in until later?"

"Had an argument with Sam," he mutters, "didn't want to be at home." And Charlie is one thing, because he tells her damn near everything, but the truth just kind of comes out around Cas, and he doesn't necessarily mean for it to happen, it just does. 

"I'm sorry," Cas says quietly, and he lets his hand brush down Dean's shoulder before turning back to the cooler. Dean has to collect himself a second time, and he goes off to make himself coffee, only to come face to face with Gabriel. 

"You okay, kid?"

"'M good."

"You sure?"

"Yeah," Dean nods, "just need a coffee and I'll be good to go."

\- - -

He thinks about what Sam said a lot during the course of his shift - almost as much as he thinks about Cas wandering around without boxers on – and yeah, Sam's got a point; maybe he should just ask Cas out, and try to do things right for once, but he knows deep down that he's either gonna get turned down, or if he doesn't, he's gonna find some other way to fuck things up. So he decides to stick to his own plan, keep screwing around as long as Cas is up for it, and then go back to what he did before - pick up strangers from bars, and wake up feeling like shit every morning. So no big difference there. He can pretend he's not emotionally invested, he _can_.

Which is why he ends up in the staff bathroom an hour later with his pants around his ankles and Cas pounding into him from behind.

" _Fuck_ -" he groans, and Cas' hand comes around to cover his mouth as he chuckles darkly in Dean's ear.

"Be quiet," Cas huffs, "someone's gonna hear us," he drives in hard and bites down on Dean's shoulder to stifle his own moan. Dean huffs a laugh and pushes back on him, reaching down to rub his own cock. 

"Speak for yourself," he smirks, tilting his head back to kiss him. Cas flops over him, one hand coming around to cover Dean's, and he snaps his hips hard, ramming directly into his prostate. 

" _Oh jesus fuck, Cas_ -" 

Cas' hand slaps back up over his mouth, and he's laughing as his thumb traces the line of Dean's bottom lip, "Dean," he grunts, "I'm so close." 

"Fuck, me too."

Cas slides a hand up Dean's chest, holding him flush against his own body as he continues to jerk him, and Dean's hands grip the back of his thighs and he drops his head onto Cas' shoulder. Cas clenches his hand around Dean's shoulder, and Dean can feel his cock jump as he comes, grinding into him and moaning into Dean's shoulder. 

His hand moves quickly over Dean's cock, and Dean thrusts forward into his hand, his breath unsteady as he chases his orgasm. He comes hard, throwing his head back onto Cas' shoulder and Cas throws a hand over his mouth again, stifling the string of groans that drop from his lips. 

Dean doesn't relax until Cas' hand slips over the head of his cock and runs down his thigh, "that was amazing," Cas huffs, struggling to catch his breath. 

Dean rolls his head, pressing his nose into Cas' neck, "no fuckin' kidding."

Cas cleans them both up and slips out quietly as Dean splashes cold water on his face and tries to calm himself down. It takes a while for the colour in his face to fade to normal, and then he pushes the bathroom door open and strolls out as casually as he can. 

Clearly not casually enough, as Charlie clears her throat, and he turns to see her standing to his left with her arms crossed and both eyebrows nearly reaching her hairline. 

"What's going on with you today? And you wanna explain why Cas just walked out of there looking like he came out on the right side of a good fuck?"

He wants to lie to her, but he's feeling amazing at this precise moment in time, and what comes out is, "maybe he did."

" _Dean!_ "

"What?"

“Are you serious?” she demands. Dean just shrugs and offers her a dopey grin. "Are you sure fucking the boss' brother is a good idea?"

Dean shrugs, "seems to be so far."

"Dean," she repeats, but the corners of her mouth rise, and he grins at her as she apparently gives up. "Good job on that one, he's kind of gorgeous. I'm assuming this is one of those things we don't talk about?" 

"Definitely." He walks away with a quick wave, picking up his coffee from the counter as he pushes back out into the front.

\- - -

Dean goes into work early again the next morning while Sam's in the shower because he's in a good mood, and talking to Sam at this point will only ruin that. Sam will catch up to him eventually, but for now, he's just gonna stay away. When he gets there, there's already a line up, and he's still tying up his apron when he saunters up to the counter. He looks up to find a tall blond staring back at him, a suggestive smirk plastered firmly on his place.

"Hey," he grins, "what can I do for you?"

"Ooh, just about anything." The guy winks at him, and Dean nearly trips over himself when he's not even moving. 

"So?"

"Large coffee, black. And your number."

Dean pushes off the counter, rocking back on his heels, "you're gonna have to try a little harder than that," he winks, turning back to the coffeemaker. He pushes the back door open and shouts to Kevin to come out and give him a hand until Cas shows up, and he goes back to making coffee, weighing the pros and cons on the potential of this guy. He and Cas are just screwing around, there's no future in that for him, and sure, this guy's just gonna be another quick fuck, but he's hot, and the likelihood of Dean passing that up is slim. He slides the to go cup into a sleeve and crosses back to the counter, sliding it across.

"You like doing things the hard way?" the guy smirks, sliding a torn off piece of paper across the counter, "give me a call and we'll see just how hard you like it."

Dean raises an eyebrow as he accepts the man's money and slides the paper into his back pocket. He hands his change over with a grin, "maybe you'll hear from me later."

Kevin's rolling his eyes at him as he steps up to the counter in Dean's stead, but Dean just shrugs at him and turns just in time to see Cas staring at him with the sourest expression he's ever seen and turn back through the kitchen doors without a word. 

When he steps back up next to Kevin at the back counter, he bumps him intentionally, "you know what's up with Cas?"

"What do you mean?" Kevin asks, "he's only been here for five minutes, and he was fine when I saw him." Dean frowns as Kevin turns away, and he looks toward the kitchen, as if expecting an answer from the swinging doors. 

He and Cas never agreed not to see anyone else; they barely even talk about this thing they have, so he doesn't think that's his problem, but it's something that happened between the time Kevin came out and Cas did, so that really only leaves one option. 

Charlie only confirms that Cas was fine until he went out to the front, and then stormed back into the kitchen and demanded to switch places with Kevin. 

Well, shit. 

He tries to talk to Cas about whatever the hell is wrong, but Cas just brushes him off every time, making work for himself to avoid having to talk to Dean, and when Dean ends up having to close because Kevin's going home and Gabe's hungover, he talks to him only when entirely necessary. 

At the end of his shift, Dean's spoken to Cas all of three times, and only because Cas needed him to help customers when he was busy. Cas finishes his things, and Dean's expecting to be slammed up against a wall like the first time, but Cas just drops the keys onto the table next to him, and disappears out the back door. 

" _Ooookay_ ," Dean mutters, shoving the keys into his pocket and grabbing his things from the staff room. So Cas had a shitty day, he'll probably be better in the morning. 

Except when he gets home there's a message from Gabriel on the machine asking if he's seen Cas, and Dean slouches against the wall. He pulls out his cell and calls Cas' number, but he gets hung up on after the first ring, and _fuck_ , if there's any clearer way of saying ' _you are the problem_ ' he doesn't know it. He calls Gabe back immediately. 

"D'you hear from him?"

"No," Dean sighs, "but I tried to call him and he hung up. He's probably fine, I think he's just pissed off at me."

"What'd you do? I thought you two were getting along?"

"I dunno, I was serving a customer when he came in and then he stormed into the kitchen and refused to talk to me all night."

"I'll talk to him when he gets in, Dean, just get some sleep and I'll see you both in the morning. And thank you, I’m glad someone keeps track of him.”

"Right," Dean mumbles, "night Gabe." He hangs up the phone and takes the shortest shower he's ever had before climbing into bed. He tries not to think about Cas, but his bed still smells like him, and it's practically impossible _not_ to think about him. When he does eventually fall asleep, he doesn't stay that way for long before he's wide awake again.

\- - -

Getting out of bed in the morning is hard, not least of all because he's maybe had an hour of sleep all together, and the only thing that gets him up and out the door at all is the prospect of talking to Cas and finding out what the hell his problem is. Unfortunately, as soon as he gets in, Gabe shoves an apron at him with a forced smile.

"Sorry, Dean, I need you out front this morning, I'll catch up on inventory after close tonight, but I'm down a person and it's crazy out there."

"Cas not show up?"

"No, he showed up alright, after three this morning drunk off his ass so I gave him the morning off, and I'm severely regretting it."

"Right," Dean agrees, tying the apron behind his back, but all he can think about is what caused Cas to drink himself into a stupor and not show up at home until three. 

Nick, the guy from the day before, comes in just after noon, and Dean throws himself into talking to him, ignoring the little voice at the back of his mind that keeps reminding him about Cas. Nick's hot, and simple, and fucking him would, at the very least, distract Dean for a little while so he doesn't have to think about how badly he's fucked up. So he makes a date for that evening, and Nick grins at him before taking his coffee and heading out the door. 

Cas comes in for the night shift, and he's still not talking much, but Dean writes it off as a hangover, and tries to think forward to his date with Nick.

\- - -

They go out, they get drinks, and it's good. Nick's amusing, and they have a fair bit in common, but Dean can't stop thinking about Cas the whole night, and when Nick drops him back off at the bakery, he doesn't even try to invite him back to his place. Nick kisses him, and Dean kisses him back, but there's no heat behind it, and as much as he wants to go through with this, he feels like shit, and also just wants to sleep. Still, he promises to call back and arrange another date.

\- - -

Cas starts working opposite shifts. Their shifts only overlap by a few hours and he requests different days off so there's only three days a week that they both work. The first time Cas doesn’t show up on Monday, he goes to Gabe about it, and he's met with a sad smile.

"Sorry, Dean, he asked for Sunday/Monday off, and I don't really have a reason to say no. I wish I could tell you what's up, but he doesn't talk to me about whatever it is."

"Right, thanks."

"You okay?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, fine."

Dean's chest aches, but he carries on, giving Cas his space when they work together, and putting up a happy front when he's working alone. Nick calls him back a couple times, but he can't be bothered to drag himself out of bed on his days off and he makes up excuses. While Nick doesn't seem to find it strange, Sam catches on to Dean's slump almost immediately. 

Dean comes home one night to find him sitting on the couch with nachos and beer and a stack of classic Westerns, and Dean can hardly turn him down. He feels guilty enough for ignoring practically everyone in his life, so he slouches onto the couch next to Sam, grateful for the distraction.

"Cas?" Sam asks as he sits down. 

"Yeah," Dean sighs, "I uh- doesn't matter. What you got lined up?"

Sam grins at him and pulls out a stack of DVDs. They spend hours watching cowboy movies, and Dean's feeling better than he has in a long damn time. With everything going on in both their lives, they haven’t had a lot of time to just spend together, and Dean’s almost forgotten how much fun his little brother can be. 

They're having a great night up until Sam heads off to bed, and when he's alone in the living room, Dean can't help but pull out his phone and try Cas' number again. He's called dozens of times, and he gets cut off every time, but he's buzzed and desperate, so he tries again. It cuts off halfway through the second ring, and Dean hangs his head between his knees, turning his phone over in his hands. He goes to bed miserable again, and keeps his phone under his pillow just in case, but Cas never calls. 

He barely sleeps, and when he goes to work the next morning, he's so out of it that Gabe switches him with Kevin and makes him work in the kitchen with Charlie all day. At the very least, she's sympathetic, and when Cas comes in, she squeezes his hand and smiles sadly at him. 

"We're going out after work," she says plainly, "and you're going to tell me everything." Dean nods and continues rolling out fondant with as much enthusiasm as he can muster. 

As a rule, Dean doesn't let himself get emotionally involved with the people he sleeps with - it never ends well and it just makes things messy - but there's an exception to every rule, and apparently Cas is his because every time he comes into the back, it feels like someone's stabbing Dean through the heart. He tries to play it off, keeping his head low and pretending to be completely focused on what he's doing, but he knows Charlie's not buying it, especially when he forgets to screw the head onto his piping tool before using it. 

Their shift drags on for far too long, but Charlie doesn't mention anything again, instead trying to distract him until five o'clock rolls around and they can leave. There's a cafe around the corner where they've gone dozens of times, and Charlie leads him there and sits him down on a couch in the back corner as she goes back up to order them drinks. She comes back a second later as Dean's tryng to bury himself in the leather couch cushions and slides a large mug of coffee across the table to him. 

"So?" 

"So?" Dean echoes glumly.

"You wanna start from the beginning?"

"From like, the beginning beginning?"

"I want to know how you two went from clawing each other’s eyes out to banging in the staff bathrooms."

"Uh-" Dean fumbles, "we uh, we were closing one night and Cas was pissed at me so we ended up fighting - I don't even remember what about anymore - and I tried to walk out on him, I was just so fucking mad," he inhales slowly, "I just barely get into the kitchen and Cas is stalking after me, shoves me up against the wall and I'm sitting there, wondering when he's gonna hit me, and all I can focus on are his lips and I just- I kissed him."

"Because that's the natural response to being angrily shoved up against a wall."

"Shut up," he mumbles. “Do you wanna know or not?” Charlie nods and makes a zipping gesture against her lips. "So anyway, things kinda got out of hand, and we y'know," he shrugs. "It happened again a few days later, and then it just kind of... kept happening."

"You're trying to tell me you accidentally had sex over and over again?"

"No," Dean huffs, "but it wasn't like we planned it or anything."

"So," Charlie sets her drink down and shifts a little closer, "when did you realize it was more than just the sex?" 

Dean breathes out slowly and wraps his hand around his mug protectively, leaning back and setting it on his lap, "there was this one night. We were closing again, and we were in my car... Cas told me something personal - something important. We ended up back at my place and that's never happened, we always just do our thing and go home separately. He asked about Sam, and I ended up telling him about Dad..."

"Oh, Dean."

Dean squeezes his mug at the sympathetic tone, "he stayed with me. He stayed and I had to wake him up in the morning to send him to work. It was so ridiculously domestic but it wasn't weird. I kinda... liked it." Charlie reaches out a hand and runs her thumb over Dean's knuckles. 

"Wow, Dean, you've got it bad. I'm sorry."

"Yeah, me too, but apparently I fucked something up, and-" he sighs and takes a sip of his coffee, "I don't even know what I did."

"So what, he just stopped talking to you?"

"Pretty much."

\- - -

He leaves Charlie outside the cafe and wanders around downtown for a while, feeling more open and vulnerable than he's willing to admit. He's glad Charlie has plans tonight, because if she didn’t, he'd probably still be stuck in that booth, and even sitting on a park bench alone is better than spilling his guts to Charlie. All that serves to do is make him feel like even worse shit. He just wants someone who won't ask him how he's feeling or what's wrong, and all he can think about on his way back to the car is how he wishes he could accidentally bump into Cas and force him into conversation.

Dean hovers over the call button for several minutes before finally pressing it and holding the phone to his ear. It cuts off immediately, and his head thuds loudly against the back of the seat. He wants to scratch his own eyes out, or drink himself unconscious, anything to stop the helpless ache that only worsens with every cut-off call that he can't seem to help but make. 

He's sitting alone in his car, wishing he was brave enough to go and talk to Cas personally, when he realizes he has another option. He flips through his contacts for Nick's name and it only takes a second for him to pick up. 

"Dean?" 

"Hey, sorry I haven't called or anything, it's been kind of a shitty week."

"Sorry to hear that. To what do I owe this call?"

"What are you up to tonight?" 

"Drinks with you?" Nick suggests.

"Yeah."

"Meet you down at Shooter's in half an hour?"

"Sounds good."

"I'll see you then."

Dean ends the call and shoves his phone back in his pocket. He's not even sure he wants to see Nick tonight, but it's better than sitting around in his car and moping over someone who clearly doesn't want anything to do with him. He makes it to the bar in twenty minutes and he's ridiculously relieved to find Nick already waiting at the bar. He gets a quick wave and Nick pulls out the chair next to him. Dean slides into the seat easily, flashing a grin at Nick that doesn't quite meet his eyes, and he's met with a hand on his back. 

"Good to see you again," Nick grins, leaning in and pressing a kiss behind Dean's ear. 

"You too." Nick slides a drink over to him that he apparently ordered in advance, and Dean raises it to him before tipping it back. 

"You said you were having a bad week? You want to talk about it?"

Dean huffs a laugh, "you don't want to hear me bitch. Just some shit with a guy at work, nothing that won't blow over eventually." He wishes he meant it, and he shrugs as he takes another drink. 

They talk for a long time, but Dean can't stop watching Nick's hands, the way he moves, comparing him to Cas. They're so different, nothing even remotely alike, and yet Dean thinks, given the chance, that he could fall for this man sitting next to him. If not for Cas. 

And that's pretty much what everything boils down to these days: not Cas. He picks at the coaster and forces conversation, trying to sound as interested as possible without overacting. Nick seems to buy it = thank God - and the night goes by easily, not as much of a distraction as he had hoped, but still, it's not bad. 

It's late by the time they leave, and Dean's just drunk enough that when Nick tugs him into an empty alley and backs him up against the wall, he lets himself be manhandled, pushed up against the brick. Nick kisses him, and Dean responds automatically, arching into him and bringing his hands up into his hair. 

Dean relaxes completely, turning his mind off as he goes through the motions, letting himself feel without really turning himself over to it. There's nothing wrong, he doesn't dislike Nick, but his touch only serves to remind Dean of how he isn't Cas. Still, Dean shivers under his hands, and hums encouragingly holding Nick against him as he rocks his hips forward. 

There's no lead-up, Dean just turns around, leaning against the wall, and grinds his ass back against Nick's crotch. Both their pants are on the ground in seconds, and the hard line of Nick's cock presses between his cheeks, sliding between them as he rolls his hips in a slow, steady motion. 

He works Dean open impatiently and fucks him hard and fast, his forehead pressed into Dean's hair. It's hot and rough and nothing like Cas; even the most desperate, angry sex with Cas was so much more than this. This is hard and impersonal, and as much as it's what Dean wants, what he _needs_ right now, he still can't help but wish they were other hands on him, a different mouth on his neck, and even when he comes, his mind isn't focused on the man behind him, but one who's distant to him. 

They clean themselves up, and part ways with a brief kiss, that Dean doesn't feel. He makes his way back to his car feeling worse than before, his head cloudy and throbbing. When he gets home, he stands in the shower for a long time before hauling his miserable ass into bed. 

Things with Cas get progressively worse.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He barely gets out a breathy, " _oh God_ ," before the nurse steps up to him. Her name is Meg, and that's all that sticks in his mind before all the technical terminology blurs everything else out. 
> 
> Her name is Meg and Dad is dead. 
> 
> Dad is dead. _Fuck_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for alcohol as a coping mechanism (which really is just a common thread throughout the whole story) and attempted rape/non-con, which is between the *** for those of you who would rather not read it.  
> This chapter is as bad as it gets, I promise.
> 
>    
> Thank you guys for all your lovely comments and kudos, they're incredibly appreciated <3  
> Also, I'm switching over to posting Monday, Wednesday and Friday but I haven't decided if I'm starting this week or next.

It's about a week later that Dean decides to ask Cas about it. They're closing together so it's not like he's going out of his way to stop him, and so far he's been quiet about the whole thing and he figures he deserves some sort of explanation. Dean's just closed the door behind their last customer, when he turns to find Cas shrugging into his jacket and shouldering his bag. 

"Hang on-" Cas just turns and glowers at him, before turning away, "dude, can we just talk?" he sighs.

"No." 

The word is so sharp and clear that there's no mistaking it, and Dean can't help but let his arms fall to his sides as he watches Cas walk away. It's no less than he should have expected, really; a shitty end to a shitty day. He finishes the cleanup on his own, and resists the urge to call Gabriel and bitch about his brother to him, even though Cas leaving early doesn’t actually put him behind at all. 

It's dark when he pushes the back door open, and he sighs thinking of the empty apartment waiting at home for him if Sam's not home. He's not in a good mood, and he's halfway through the door when his phone rings, and he just sighs and pulls the device from his pocket and shoves it up against his ear. 

"What?" he mumbles grumpily, expecting Sam's voice at the other end. He starts when it's not Sam's, but his surrogate father's voice that rumbles back at him. 

"Jesus, Dean, where've you been? I've been trying to call you for hours."

"What's wrong?" Dean asks, taking Bobby's tone for what it is.

"There was an accident-"

"Who?" Dean interrupts before he can finish. 

"Your dad." The words go through him like ice. Whoever's name he had been expecting to hear, it was not John.

"Where?" he chokes out. 

"Topeka. He was pretty far gone apparently, wrapped his truck around a telephone pole."

"Tell me where you are."

"Emergency and Trauma centre."

"I'll be there." He hangs up without waiting for a response and jumps into the car, cursing when he drops his keys on the floor. He races through town, regardless of the speed limit, and it starts raining just before he crosses the city line. He makes the half hour drive in twenty minutes, and it's a wonder he doesn't get pulled over for speeding, especially considering how hard it's raining now. 

Dean rushes through the automatic doors, pressing both palms on the reception counter, "John Winchester," he demands, "I need to know where John Winchester is."

Before the stunned woman behind the desk can respond, there's a hand on Dean's shoulder, pulling him back, "Dean," Bobby breathes, "come sit down."

Dean lets himself be led back to the bench seats and be sat between Bobby and Sam. He flashes an apologetic wave to the receptionist and clenches his hands anxiously. 

"Where is he?"

"He's in surgery," Sam says softly, "they uh, they don't think it looks good." There's a long pause in which Dean can't seem to catch his breath, and then Sam turns to look him in the face, "you okay?" he asks. Dean just exhales loudly. 

"No. Fuck, Sam, the last thing I ever said to him was to tell him to go to hell." He drops his head into his hands and Bobby presses a hand to his back.

"Sure he knows you didn't mean that, son."

"I did, though. I honestly- in that moment I didn't give a shit whether he lived or died, and now-“

"Dean-"

" _Fuck_!"

\- - -

It must be an hour that they wait, though Dean can't keep track of time for shit in this too clean, clinical room; five minutes seems to pass in forty, and every time he looks at the clock it's no less than fifteen minutes earlier than he'd thought. When the nurse comes in, carrying her clipboard, Dean's heart sinks, and he feels a little bit like he's going to implode. He's glad, suddenly, that he never decided to go into medicine, because he knows what that face means, and he's glad he's not the one who has to deliver the news.

He barely gets out a breathy, " _oh God_ ," before the nurse steps up to him. Her name is Meg, and that's all that sticks in his mind before all the technical terminology blurs everything else out. 

Her name is Meg and Dad is dead. 

Dad is dead. _Fuck_. 

They stick around for a little while - Bobby talks to the nurses, and Sam asks if he can go see him. Dean mills around in the lobby, terrified to go see the man who raised him - terribly or not - lying in a hospital bed, on a gurney, wherever the fuck he is, and yet he's almost desperate to see him again. Maybe it's to remember the hatred, so he feels less bad, or maybe so he can try and remember the better times, when they were kids and John would toss a ball around with him for hours in their backyard. He shuts his eyes and inhales slowly, trying not to think too hard about the decision. When he opens his eyes again, Sam's looking back at him, and Dean realizes he's wearing the same teary-eyed expression as his brother, and the choice is made for him. 

He follows Sam down the hall, and Meg leads them both toward John's room. He doesn't know if Bobby's with them or not, all he really knows is that he's about to go see his recently dead father, and he can't really comprehend that right now, as real as it feels. 

The room John’s in is similar to the waiting room – cold and clinical - but more private, and Dean tries to look at anything but the bed in the middle of the room with the curtains pulled shut around it. When Meg tugs them back, he doesn't know what's worse- the blood in his father's hairline, or the machines hooked up to him, but the scene makes his heart jump into his throat, and he nearly stumbles into Sam. As the reality of the situation sinks in, Dean curls a fist in Sam's shirt. He's practically shaking as he asks Meg where the public bathrooms are, and then he's barreling down the hall and dropping to his knees in front of a chemically-scented toilet and throwing up the entire contents of his stomach. 

He's such an idiot. He's had seven years to go and find his father, seven years to apologize, to try and make amends. Seven years and he's done nothing. _Seven. Years_ His knees ache and his throat burns, but he doesn't move until he hears the door open and Sam crouches down behind him.

"It's not your fault," he breathes, "there was nothing you could do."

"I could have gotten in touch," Dean stutters, "I could have said fucking sorry, I could have-"

"Don't, Dean."

Dean pulls back and rises up, barely acknowledging his brother as he backs out of the stall, "take the car, I'm going out."

"Dean-"

"Sam, just-"

"Okay," Sam nods, "just don't turn off your phone."

"Whatever," Dean shrugs. He shoves past Sam and down the hall, walking past Bobby while his back is turned and straight out the door. He doesn't know Topeka in the slightest, but he needs to get out, he needs to forget about this shit, even if just for a little while.

\- - -

He wanders around until he finds a bar, and it's only at that point that he realizes that he's still got his keys which, _shit_ , because there's no way he's driving home tonight. At least Sam can get a ride with Bobby.

Dean drinks until he can barely remember his own name, until he's cut off and his keys are taken away, and then he stumbles blindly back out into the street. It's late - he has no idea how late, but the streets are practically empty, and the few people walking the streets are just as drunk as he is, so when he drops onto the steps or some building and pulls out his phone, no one questions it. He doesn't want to be alone, but what he wants is something that he can't have, and he curls his hand tightly around his phone. He doesn't even think about it before dialing Cas' number. It rings once, twice, three times, four. 

Dean drops his head. There's a pattern; the only time he gets past one ring is late at night, when Cas is asleep. Somehow, the thought hurts more tonight than usual. 

He wanders around for another half hour, and he's feeling a little more sober when he calls Nick. It's probably a shitty idea if he doesn't want to fuck up whatever they have, but at the moment, he doesn't have a much better option other than somehow making it home alone. 

"Dean?" is the surprised answer he gets.

"Hey. Didn't wake you up, did I?"

"No, what's up?"

"Can you come get me?"

"What's wrong? Where are you?"

"Nothing, I just wanna see you. I'm in Topeka."

"Topeka?"

"I know it's pretty far-"

"It's fine. Just, do you know where the library is?"

"Maybe? I think so."

"Meet me there in half an hour, alright?"

"Yeah," Dean mumbles, "thanks." He shoves his phone in his pocket and spares a few minutes to wonder if he's already made a huge mistake, before he starts back toward the building with the steps, assuming that it's the library. Nick's gonna want to know what's wrong with him when he gets there, and Dean's entirely sure he's not gonna tell him, which could get awkward considering how many times they've been out, and the fact that Dean's just called him at stupid o'clock in the morning to come pick him up in a different city.

\- - -

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He waits on the steps for forty-five minutes before Nick shows up, and he's' feeling entirely too sober when he does. He gets into the passenger seat and leans back against it groaning as Nick presses a hand down his arm.

"Sure you're okay?"

"Fine," Dean grunts. Nick shrugs and ignores his tone, pulling back out into the road. 

The streets are quiet, and they get back to Nick's apartment in what feels like fifteen minutes, but is probably a lot longer. It's a small place, nothing fancy, but Dean knows Nick lives alone, and really, it's not any worse than his and Sam's place. He takes a seat on the couch, pressing himself into the corner, and Nick comes back into the room a couple minutes later with a glass of water. 

"You want to tell me about it?"

"Nope."

"Alright," he slips an arm around Dean's shoulders, and Dean leans into him as Nick flicks on the TV. They don't talk, they don't do anything but watch TV and sit in silence, but it helps Dean block everything out, even just having someone neutral with him, and for the minute, he feels a little better. 

And then Nick goes and ruins it. 

The first time, Dean ignores the not-so-subtle brush of Nick's hand on his thigh, but when he slides higher, Dean shrugs him off and crosses his arms across his chest, irritated. Nick's apparently unfazed, and he turns in his seat, leaning into Dean's space and pressing up against him. 

"Dude, stop, I'm not in the mood-"

"You called me in the middle of the night Dean, what else did you want?"

"Seriously, get off-"

"I'm tryin' to, baby." Dean shoves him, and he stumbles back, barely catching himself. "Jesus, Dean, what's your problem?"

"I said no."

"Right," Nick smirks, climbing back up into his lap, "I know you don't mean that." Dean's heart pounds. He's just drunk enough now that he knows he's the weaker of the two, and he has no idea how to react because he's never been in this position before, but he's sober enough to be scared, and that fact makes him stupidly brave. 

Nick pins his shoulders back against the couch, and Dean panics. He shoves him hard again and pushes himself up off the couch, "dude, my fuckin' dad is dead!" Nick's hand curls around his arm from behind and he spins Dean around, shoving him back against the wall. 

"What, I'm not good enough for you now?" he presses closer, near enough that Dean can feel his breath, and leans in, running his nose along the line of Dean's jaw, "what happened? Cas get mad at you and you had to settle for second best? Or are you just mad because I got to him before you?" he chuckles darkly and Dean's brain screeches to a half before spinning in so many directions that he can barely even think. And then suddenly there's a burst of clarity. 

Fuck. This is Cas' asshole ex. Nick is Luke. And Dean is so, so screwed. 

"Fuck you," he grits. 

"Thought you didn't want to," Luke snarks, and if Dean was fully sober, he would probably kill him, but he's still a little unsteady, and he settles for punching him in the jaw, which only leads to him being pressed face-forward against the wall. Dean's hands are pinned up above his head, and a steady palm slides down his chest, dropping lower to grab Dean's cock through his jeans. Dean struggles to pull away, but Luke presses tightly against his back, his hand moving up to unbutton Dean's jeans, and slipping inside. 

Dean seethes, reacting instinctively as a mixture of anger and fear course through him, and he wrenches his arm away and elbowing Luke in the stomach, "don't fuckin' touch me." It gives him a few seconds before Luke twists him around and shoves him back into the wall so hard that Dean's head bounces off it. It's his calm, mostly, that's so terrifying because Luke just smirks down at him as Dean winces. 

"You weren't sayin' that the other night," he rumbles.

"I swear to God-" Dean spits, but Luke ignores him, pressing his hips forward so Dean can feel the length of his erection through his pants. He goes to knee him in the crotch, but Luke moves first. 

" _Don't_ ," Luke warns, yanking Dean's head up by his hair. He gets a thumb hooked in Dean's waistband and tugs his jeans down, turning him back toward the wall. Dean ducks instantly, dropping painfully to his knees, and shoving Luke hard enough that he can struggle to his knees again before he feels the first connect with his face. 

He's instantly dizzy, and he knows if he doesn't get out of there soon, that he's not getting out, but he can barely think straight enough to try and evade when Luke pins him against the floor and hits him again. His vision is blurry and he lets his eyes fall shut, but when Luke relents, and his hands slide back down to Dean's hips, he brings his knees up sharply, hitting the man square in the chest. He rolls away as Luke recoils, and manages to pull himself up to his feet. 

In the few seconds which Luke is distracted, Dean manages to haul himself up and tumble out the door. He doesn't spare a moment to catch his breath, staggering clumsily through the hall and down the three flights of stairs. He's panting, his heart is racing and his vision is still skewed, but once he leaves the apartment complex, he doesn't stop until his legs literally give out on him, and he collapses against an alley wall. His chest heaves with the effort it takes to breathe, and he's certain that Luke wouldn't have followed him, but there's still a lingering fear at the thought that he could, and Dean's not sober enough to fight it.

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As his heart rate slows to normal, the reality of the night's events sinks in, and Dean drops his head against the wall behind him as tears burn in his eyes. He's too drunk for this shit, and he doesn't even know where he is anymore. He wants to lie down and die, but it's so damn cold, and he must have left his jacket at Luke's, and he just doesn't want to be alone.

He can't call Sam, he's got enough to deal with, and besides, Dean's a fucking mess, and he doesn't need Sam seeing him like this, and Bobby- no, Bobby doesn't need any more of his shit, either. He digs out his phone and calls Gabriel before he can think better of it, and he's shaking by the time Gabe picks up.

"Dean?" he mumbles groggily.

"Gabe, I-" he chokes back a sob, and tries to collect himself. 

"Dean, what's wrong?" Gabe sounds panicked, and Dean feels a sharp pang of guilt, because really, he’s okay, he just really needs someone with him.

"I need you to come get me."

"Where are you?"

"I-" he pushes himself up, and peers across the street, "I'm across from a Biggerson's. Um- I don't know. Topeka."

"Dean, just stay where you are, I'm coming to get you."

\- - -

He's sitting on the edge of the sidewalk when Gabriel shows up, and as soon as the car slows, Gabe's out the door and crouching in front of Dean.

"What happened?" he asks, running a hand over Dean's cheek.

"I didn't realize it was him- Cas said his name was Luke and he-" he looks up at Gabriel pleadingly, "he told me his name was Nick, and I believed him. He never-"

Gabe’s eyes go wide, and for a second he looks murderous before his mind rewinds back to the moment, and then his expression is unreadable, "Oh shit, I’m sorry Dean." 

"I just wanna go home,” Dean interrupts, before Gabe can do something like hug him, because that’s only going to make him cry more, and he’s already a fucking mess. 

"Do you need to go to the hospital."

"No, I just wanna go to sleep."

"Yeah, yeah of course. Come on," Gabriel helps him up and Dean staggers to the car, slouching into the front seat and letting Gabe fasten his seat belt. He doesn't remember much about the drive back, but when they get up to Gabe's apartment, he sits Dean down on the couch and find him a few spare blankets and pillows for a bed. 

“Do you need me to patch you up at all?” he asks, eyeing Dean’s cheek, and what has to be a pretty gruesome black eye by now. Dean just shakes his head, and Gabe sits down on the couch next to him and Dean can't even bring himself to look up, "I'd give you the spare room, but Cas is in there 'till he gets his own place."

“His own place?” Dean asks, and Gabe gives him an odd look, which is fair considering the situation and the fact that Dean’s suddenly interested in his brother’s housing developments.

“He’s decided to stay.”

“Oh.” 

Dean frowns in confusion, and Gabe squeezes his shoulder, "we can talk about things tomorrow, if you want."

"Not really."

"Okay," Gabriel sighs, "try and get some sleep."

"Gabe," Dean mumbles, just as Gabriel's disappearing down the hall.

"What's up?"

"Thanks."

"No problem, Dean-o."

Dean swallows back a sob and buries his face in the stack of pillows. He hasn't cried so much since he learned to talk, and he's too embarrassed and miserable to care, because tonight wasn't just some bad dream that can be pushed aside and forgotten. Tonight is the worst night of his whole life, and all he wants is for someone to come and curl up next to him and tell him everything's going to work out alright, even if he doesn't believe it. 

To make matters worse, he's now sleeping in Cas' living room, and Cas is gonna be pissed when he wakes up, and that's the last thing Dean needs right now. He tugs a blanket over himself and curls around it, feeling like he'd rather die than have to face the morning, and he stares at the wall for a long time. 

The last time he looks at the clock before he falls asleep, it's nearly five am.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All he really wants to do is get changed and clean, but he's only got the clothes he's wearing, so he settles for just the latter. Keeping his mind distracted, he locks himself in the bathroom, and turns the water on as hot as he can stand it. 
> 
> Dean strips quickly, wincing as he bumps his knee on the side of the bathtub, but it isn't until he turns that he realizes just why he's in so much pain. He stops dead in front of the full-length mirror and his mouth falls open, his stomach turning again as his eyes roam over his reflection. 
> 
> He's covered in blotchy purple and yellow bruises, and if the sight isn't enough, his mind jumps back to Luke's hands on him, shoving and pulling, and Dean has to turn away as he blinks back the tears stinging his eyes. God, he's such a fucking mess. His legs are shaking when he steps into the bath, and he pulls the curtain back enough to sit on the edge, resting his elbows on his knees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Looks like I'm starting the new posting schedule this week c:

In the morning light, Dean feels better about Luke. He's had the shit beaten out of him more times than he can count, and he's repressed enough shit in his life that he's able to push the other stuff out of his mind and pretend it never happened – at least for now. His head throbs as he sits up though, and the sensation continues all the way down to his toes; there isn't an inch of him that doesn't hurt, and as much as he doesn't want to think about his father, the images flash back at him like instant replay in his mind, and hell if he's gonna sit there and put up with that all day. 

He pushes himself up off the couch, groaning in pain as his muscles pull, and shuffling into the kitchen. He stomach turns as he straightens up, and it only serves to remind him that the last time he ate must have been sometime at work yesterday. Still, the thought of food makes the nausea worse, and he settles for a glass of water, coming face to face with a note from Gabriel as he reaches to open the cupboard. 

_Morning Dean-o, don't worry about coming into work, Charlie's not busy so I'm pulling Kevin. Get some rest, help yourself to anything, there's food in the fridge. I'll be home around six._

He's thankful for the work reprieve, because nothing in the world could get him out in public today, and Gabe still expects him to be there when he gets home, so Dean's free to lie around on the couch all day. All he really wants to do is get changed and clean, but he's only got the clothes he's wearing, so he settles for just the latter. Keeping his mind distracted, he locks himself in the bathroom, and turns the water on as hot as he can stand it. 

Dean strips quickly, wincing as he bumps his knee on the side of the bathtub, but it isn't until he turns that he realizes just why he's in so much pain. He stops dead in front of the full-length mirror and his mouth falls open, his stomach turning again as his eyes roam over his reflection. 

He's covered in blotchy purple and yellow bruises, and if the sight isn't enough, his mind jumps back to Luke's hands on him, shoving and pulling, and Dean has to turn away as he blinks back the tears stinging his eyes. God, he's such a fucking mess. His legs are shaking when he steps into the bath, and he pulls the curtain back enough to sit on the edge, resting his elbows on his knees. 

He's not going to think about it; he promised himself he wouldn't, and yet he's got the physical memory written all over his skin. He slips off the edge and sits in the bath, letting the water pour over him, and he can barely muster up the energy to borrow Gabriel's shampoo and wash the mixture of blood and dirt and whatever else out of his hair. He focuses on the brush of his own fingers and the scent of the shampoo, blocking out anything that else that tries to worm its way into his mind. He's so laser focused on the smell of his own hair, that he actually jumps when there's a knock at the door, bumping his shoulder into the wall. 

"Gabe?" he calls, "I thought you were working,"

"Uh," comes the uneasy response, "not Gabriel."

They're the first words Cas has said to him in months, that haven't made him feel a thousand times worse about himself, and it would almost put him at ease knowing Cas is there, if not for the fact that he's sitting naked in the bathtub, looking like he lost a fight with a steamroller. It still hurts a little knowing that he didn't even realize he was talking to him, but being with someone who doesn't want anything to do with you is stull vaguely better than being alone. 

He doesn't know how to respond, so he keeps quiet, tracing the bruise on his knee as he waits for Cas to walk away, but he doesn't. He can almost feel Cas lean closer to the door.

"I'm making coffee. Do you want any?"

"Uh," Dean starts dumbly, "yeah, that'd be awesome."

Cas mumbles a soft ' _okay_ ' as he walks away, and Dean pulls his knees up, pressing his forehead against them. He breathes out a heavy sigh and sends up a silent prayer that at least _this_ didn't go quite as wrong as it could have. He hesitates a few more minutes before climbing out of the shower and dressing only in his boxers and t-shirt, avoiding the rough denim of his jeans on his skin. 

He tries to make a quick escape, ducking back to the couch before Cas can see him, but apparently he fails, because when Ca comes to sit next to him, his eyebrows are furrowed in concern. 

"What happened last night?" he asks breathily.

"Nothing," Dean denies, taking the mug Cas offers. 

"Dean-"

"It was nothing, okay?" Already he can feel the swell of emotion rising up again, and he doesn't want to deal with this shit with Cas around. It happened, it's over, he wants to move on. "'Sides, I thought you weren't talking to me." He drops down too hard on the couch and winces, pulling a blanket up over his shoulders. He tries to pretend Cas isn't there, but it fails miserably when the man turns to face him, running a light hand over Dean's covered knee. 

"Dean, please."

"It was nothing," Dean repeats softly.

"It's obviously important," Cas insists, and he's goddamn pushy, and he sounds legitimately concerned, and he shouldn't because they're fighting, and people don't _get_ concerned about him. He's the one who's supposed to be concerned, who's supposed to take care of everyone, he's not supposed to have people want to take care of him. Even if he won't admit it to himself, Dean wants to bury himself in that concern and never come out again. He barely meets Cas' gaze before staring back at his knees. 

"I got drunk and got in a fight," he mumbles. 

Cas frowns, "Dean, I've known you for long enough to tell when you're lying to me."

"My dad's dead," he breathes, leaning back into the couch, "wrapped his truck around a telephone pole."

"What?"

"My uncle Bobby called as I was locking up last night. Dad was drunk, he was already in surgery by the time I got to Topeka, but there was nothing they could do. I um- I drank too much and ended up fighting with some guy," the lie sits heavy in his stomach, but he can't bring himself to tell Cas the truth.

"I'm so sorry," Cas breathes, and Dean barely registers the sound of his voice before he's choking back tears again, and when the fuck did he become such a baby? Dean turns away, and there are hands on his shoulders suddenly, and Cas leans Dean back into his lap. Dean goes without argument, burying his face in Cas' elbow, and Cas just holds him close, pulling him up against his chest and wrapping both arms around him. 

He presses his cheek against Cas' chest as silent tears slide down his cheeks. He's too tired to think anymore, exhausted emotionally and physically, and all he wants to do is sleep, but whenever he closes his eyes, it's visions of John hooked up to machines, and that look in Luke's eyes. He clenches his hands into fists, and Cas' fingers massage the back of his neck. 

As if he understands without being told, Cas falls silent, brushing his thumbs over Dean's cheekbones and leaning into the couch and holding Dean against him. Dean's on the verge of sleep when Cas' fingers brush through his hair, and it wakes him up enough to remember that he hasn't spoken to his brother since the hospital. 

"I should call Sam," he mutters, "and I gotta get my car."

"Shh, I'll call Sam," Cas assures him. He slips out from under Dean's back, and as soon as he's up, Dean rolls onto his side, curling around himself. He listens to the conversation- Cas telling Sam about the car, and some bullshit story about Dean being mugged that he _knows_ Sam won't believe, and he's unbelievably grateful for it. 

Cas disappears down the hall and reappears a couple minutes later with a glass of water, a well-worn t-shirt and a pair of blue plaid pajama pants. He hands them to Dean and sets the water down on the coffee table.

"I called Gabe, he told me he's already got my shift covered, figured I'd rather be here,” his lips pull up in an almost-smile. 

"Tell him thanks," Dean mumbles into the couch. He stretches an arm out from beneath the blanket to take the glass, pressing it to his lips and taking a long drink. He still doesn't feel 100% like himself, but the water helps, and by whatever miracles, Cas is talking to him again, and that makes everything feel a little better. 

"You should get changed," Cas suggests, and Dean sits up slowly, eyeing the pile of clothes. He pushes himself up with effort and wraps the blanket around himself. He takes the clothes with him, down the hall and into the bathroom where Cas can't see him. The guy may have seen him naked literally dozens of times, but the bruises and scratches represent a deeper kind of nakedness that Dean really isn't prepared for. 

Dean carefully avoids the mirror as he changes, tugging on the pants first and then the t-shirt. The clothes are soft and they smell like Cas. Dean can't help but grin, and when he makes his way back into the living room, Cas' eyes trace up and down his torso, a faint smile pulling at his lips. 

"Blue suits you," he muses. 

"Cas," Dean shakes his head, "look, man, not that I'm complaining, but up until this morning I'm pretty sure you were hoping you could kill me with your silence."

"And?" Cas asks, and Dean’s actually a little irritated with him that this seems to be no big deal.

"Well, you're talkin' to me now."

"Would you prefer I go to work and leave you here alone?" Cas asks, and damn him for making it sound like a legitimate question. 

"No. I just wanna know why you stopped in the first place."

Cas laughs humorlessly and cocks his head at him, "you don't know?" His voice wavers a little, and Dean regrets saying anything that’s gonna piss Cas off, but this is important, and he _needs_ to know.

"No."

"So you have no idea who you were flirting with the other day, the guy who oh-so-subtly gave you his number?"

Oh fuck, of course. Fuck, he’s such an idiot.

"I do now," Dean breathes, and he can feel his shoulders drop, but he crosses to the couch and sits on the arm, "Cas, I'm so sorry." Cas’ expression falls and he gives Dean an odd look.

"You didn't know?"

"Are you kidding me? You honestly think I would have so much as spoken to him if I had known who he was? You think I would have ever let him through the door?"

"No," Cas replies honestly, he turns toward him and lifts a hand to cover Dean's, "Luke fucked me up," he says simply, "I don't- when it comes to him, I don't think straight. I told you about him, and when he came in, I thought you knew, and it was some sort of sick way to piss me off or make me jealous. I thought you just wanted to stop what we had, or I wasn't good enough for you anymore or-"

"None of that is true, Cas."

"I know, but sometimes it feels like it."

"If it helps, it's over. I ended things as soon as I realized who he was- I'd never do that to you-"

"Dean," Cas says softly, "I don't want to talk about it anymore."

"Me neither."

There’s a long silence in which Dean wants nothing more than to slip his fingers between Cas’ and curl up next to him and fall asleep. 

"So we're okay?" Cas asks after a while.

"Yeah, Cas. We're okay."

Cas' mouth lifts at the corner just slightly, "I was thinking about making breakfast, you hungry?"

"I could eat."

Cas stands up and takes Dean's now-empty glass with him into the kitchen, setting it on the counter before he opens the fridge and starts searching through it. Dean curls back up in his blankets, and lets his eyes drop shut. He's so fucking tired, and he aches, and nothing at all is right, but Cas isn't mad at him, and listening to the soft tones of him humming to himself in the kitchen, Dean can't help but think that this is the closest thing to happiness he's felt in weeks.

\- - -

Dean wakes up with a start to find himself in an unfamiliar room, but then there's a hand on his knee, running down his shin, and he relaxes. Cas is barely paying attention when he sits up, his nose pressed into some book, and Dean leans his direction, pressing himself into the couch.

"I'm sorry," Cas says suddenly, "I didn't mean to wake you up." He slides his hand up Dean's leg, and Dean knows it's supposed to be comforting, but it makes him flinch backwards anyway, and Cas gives him an odd look, "sorry," he breathes, "are you alright?"

"Um-" he wants to lie, to tell him yes, he's fine, but memories are already flooding back, and all he can picture is Luke's smug expression, and he can feel his hands on him again. Shuddering, he sits up and crosses his legs, pulling away. 

“Dean,” Cas presses, setting his book down and looking at him with concern, “what’s wrong?”

"Uh, earlier," he breathes, "when I told you about dad?” his eyes flick up to meet Cas’ for a split second before lowering again, “I lied."

"What?"

"I left Sam at the hospital, and I went out and got drunk, but when they cut me off-" he looks down at his lap, "I didn't want to be alone, and Nick - Luke - had been so good to me before. I went over there, and he made a move, I turned him down, and he-" 

" _Dean_ ," Cas breathes, and he sounds almost scared, "what did he do to you?"

"Nothing."

"Dean," Cas says softly, and he only realizes after the fact that Cas has been rubbing his cheek with his thumb, "I know what he's like. You don't have to tell me if you're not comfortable, but don't you dare come to my house looking like this and tell me he didn't do anything."

"Cas, he didn't. He um- he tried," Dean eyes drop to the point where his knee bumps against Cas', "I fought back, but I was- it was a bad night, and I was out of it." His breath is uneven, and he doesn't realize how tightly he's clenching his fists until Cas' fingers slide around his own, uncurling them carefully. 

"I'm sorry," Cas hums, his breath soft and warm in Dean's hair, "I'm so sorry.” Dean doesn’t say anything, just holds his breath until he can’t any longer and tries to hold himself together.

"I didn't even think realize it was him until I was there and he said- he said your name and I just-" he can feel his hands clench again, but it doesn't feel like he's the one doing it. 

"I didn't want to upset you, Dean, we don't have to talk about it if you don't want." Dean just shakes his head, and they're both silent for a long time. 

"You wanna tell me about your Dad?" Cas asks, "you obviously loved him a lot."

"Yeah," Dean nods, "I do. I did. He wasn't always so bad, he just kinda... broke when Mom died. I remember when he used to play catch in the backyard. It's about the only thing I remember before Mom, and I wasn't very good at it - I was only four - but Mom'd come out with lemonade and sandwiches and Sam on her hip," he smiles and tips his head back under Cas' chin. 

"I'd sit on Dad's lap, and when Mom would go in for ice cream, Sam would sit with me and we'd conspire that we were gonna jump out and scare her when she came back. She'd always see us coming, and Dad always knew she could, but I don't think it would have made a difference to me, even if I'd known," he smiles softly, "then ah, when we got older, there was the other stuff, it doesn't seem like much now, but he was away so often that everything he did with me seemed like the best thing in the world."

"Like what?"

"Teaching me to play pool, drive the car..." 

Dean trails off , replaying the better moments of his childhood and skipping over the rest. Cas listens patiently, his fingers brushing absently up Dean's chest. "I always thought if I ever had kids, I'd want to be like Dad was, before Mom."

"I think you'd be a wonderful father Dean, your dad would be proud of you." 

Dean nods slowly and rests his head back against Cas, letting himself relive the moments with Sam and their dad. Cas hums softly above him, holding him close and just being there. They're both half asleep when Cas' phone goes off, and Dean shuffles out of his way so he can get it out of his pocket. 

"Hey," Cas answers, leaning back against the cushions. He pulls Dean back with him, and Dean shuts his eyes again, listening to Cas' voice. "I'm gonna put you on speaker, okay?" Gabriel’s voice fills the room a second later.

"Yeah, sure. Hey, Dean-o, how're you feeling?"

"Tired. Didn't sleep a lot."

"No kidding. I got your brother here-"

"Hey, Dean," Sam's voice comes through the speaker, soft and relieved. 

"You mind if we stop by after work?" Gabe asks. Dean just shakes his head and Cas' thumb traces a comforting circle on his arm. 

"That's not a good idea," he says.

"Dean-" Sam tries to argue. 

"I'm fine, Sammy. You got enough food in the house for tonight?"

"Dude," he chuckles, "I'm 22, I'll be fine. Just take care of yourself for once, okay?"

"But-" Cas picks the phone up from where it's sitting on Dean's chest and turns the speakerphone off.

"Don't worry Sam, he's got me." 

He talks to Gabriel again briefly and hangs up, setting the phone aside and shuffling out from under Dean to head to the kitchen. "I'm gonna make something to eat okay? and this time you're going to eat something, because you haven't eaten anything all day."

Dean groans, and he remembers the reason he's here. It's been lingering in the back of his mind all day, but thinking about it makes him sick again, and he wants to bury his head in the couch. 

Cas makes him toast, and he eats a little bit, but when he sits up and sees the bruises where his pantleg has ridden up, he almost throw it up again. Setting the rest of it back on the table, he wraps his blanket around his shoulders, curling back up next to Cas, and drifts off again.

\- - -

There are hands on his shoulders, holding him face-down against the floor, and he can feel a body moving above him, but he can't see shit. He needs to move, to flip onto his stomach, and see the person above him, but he can't seem to move any part of him, and his heart is beating too fast. There's nothing he can do, and then Cas' voice resonates in his ear.

He wakes up panting with Cas' hand on the back of his neck. He sits up frantically, and Cas backs off, giving him space. 

"It was just a dream, Dean," he breathes, and Dean wants to believe him, but it's not, not really. It's a memory more than anything, modified by his unconscious mind, but a memory still. 

"Why don't you come sleep with me?" Cas suggests, he's already tossing blankets over his arm when Dean nods, and rises up. He follows Cas down the hall and into the bedroom at the end, dropping onto one side and curling up on top of the blankets. He can't shut off his mind, the dream and the memory of Luke blurring together into one ultra-realistic nightmare that he can't avoid.

"Dean," Cas sighs. He tugs the blankets down underneath Dean and shifts closer, "come here." Dean hears the click of the door lock and nearly jumps, but Cas presses a hand to his shoulder. "It's just Gabe."

"Cas?"

"Mm?"

"Why're you goin' to bed at six o'clock?"

"I didn't want you to be alone, and I haven't been sleeping so well lately, I could use the sleep."

"Thanks," Dean mumbles. He shifts back until Cas drapes an arm over his hip, and he relaxes under the touch, pressing his head into the pillow. He wants to move back, to press right up against Cas' chest and feel his breath against the back of his neck, but he doesn't want to push too far. He falls asleep with Cas' fingers fitted loosely between his own.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He throws himself into cleaning the whole apartment - kitchen, living room, bathroom, his bedroom - and when thoughts of Dad or Luke pop into his mind, he just turns the stereo up louder and sings along at the top of his lungs. Anyone who happened across him would think he was in an incredibly good mood - that, or that he's an obsessive compulsive cleaner, neither of which are true.

Cas is warm and pressed flat against him when Dean wakes up. He's still got one arm slung over Dean, but it's slipped, his hand curved around Dean's thigh. Dean doesn't want to move, but his head aches, and when he looks at the clock he realizes it's because he's slept for over twelve hours straight. Cas has to be at work in just over an hour, so his alarm will be going off soon, and Dean would rather not be curled up against him when it does, so he slips out of bed as silently as he can, and finds his clothes from the day before. It's unpleasant putting unclean clothes on, but it's not like he can just wear Cas' pajamas home. 

He sets to work putting something together for breakfast, and Cas' alarm goes off just as Dean's putting bread into the toaster. The man stumbles into the kitchen a few minutes later, so rumpled that he's almost indistinguishable before he opens his eyes. It's so damn endearing that Dean has to turn back to making Cas' coffee himself just to resist kissing him. 

"You should be resting," Cas mumbles as he takes the mug from Dean.

"Sorry Cas, I rest anymore and I'm gonna lose my mind."

"Do you want me to take you home on my way to work?"

"If you don't mind." Dean pulls up a slight grin and turns to the toaster as it pops, taking the toast and putting it on a plate for Cas. 

"'Course not," he smiles back, "why'd you make breakfast?"

"After what you did for me yesterday..." he shrugs. 

"I didn't do anything," Cas frowns, but Dean just ignores him, and continues on making breakfast. 

They leave fifteen minutes later, and Cas drops him off at the apartment, despite his disinclination. He watches Dean disappear into the lobby and waits until Dean calls him from home until he leaves. 

Dean’s glad to be home, but as he watches Gabe's silver Honda disappear from his parking lot with Cas in it, his heart sinks. Sam's in class today, so without Cas around, Dean's alone, and although part of him is glad not to have overbearing concern surrounding him, the quiet is already getting to him. 

Hooking up the stereo, he plugs in his iPod and blares Led Zeppelin as loud as the apartment walls will allow. He needs something to keep him occupied, and by the look of things, dishes are first on his list. The kitchen is actually an inexplicable mess, and he would be annoyed if it didn't give him something to do. 

He throws himself into cleaning the whole apartment - kitchen, living room, bathroom, his bedroom - and when thoughts of Dad or Luke pop into his mind, he just turns the stereo up louder and sings along at the top of his lungs. Anyone who happened across him would think he was in an incredibly good mood - that, or that he's an obsessive compulsive cleaner, neither of which are true. 

It's not even noon before the whole place is clean, and Dean would be tempted to break into Sam's room if he didn't already know it was spotless. He slumps down on the couch and switches the stereo for the TV, hoping something can catch his attention for longer than five minutes. For a second, he's excited that Star Wars is on, but it turns out to be The Phantom Menace, and he sinks back into the couch to pout - nothing at all is on, and really, he shouldn't be surprised. He settles for reruns of some cooking show he used to watch to get recipes for him and Sam, and he pulls out his phone, turning it over and over in his hand. 

After yesterday, he misses having someone with him at all times; he misses having Cas right there when he wants him, curled around him all warm and protective. He texts him before he can think why he shouldn’t, just a quick _how's work?_ but it makes him feel a little better, a little less alone. 

_**Surprisingly slow**_ is the response he gets back, and he can't help but smile down at his phone. He wants to tell Cas he misses him, ask him to come over and keep him company, but there's no way he'd ever actually do it. Instead he thinks back to the morning; Cas' arms around him, one of his knees pressing just between Dean's, but it just makes him groan and he bangs his head backwards. It's only been an hour since he finished cleaning, and already he's sick of sitting around doing nothing. If he doesn't find something to distract him, he's going to end up thinking about things he would really prefer not to.

\- - -

It takes all of ten minutes.

He tries to read initially, but finds he can't focus long enough to finish an entire page without having to re-read parts two or three times, and failing that, he tries to nap. He really doesn't need the sleep, but he's so damn bored and lonely that it seems like the best option, at least until he shuts his eyes. 

Although he tries, the events of the other night replay again and again in his head, and nothing will ever be worse than that night, but this is pretty damn close. He's scared to close his eyes for the first time since he was five years old. So he texts Cas. 

For the first little while, his replies come slowly, but when he says he has to go, and Dean tells him _why_ he's texting, they suddenly become nearly instant.

_**I asked Gabe to move me to the back, are you okay?** _

_I wish Sam was home._

_**Are you sure you don't want me to come over?** _

_I'll be fine, just don't_ he pauses before finishing his sentence, _don't leave okay?_

_**I'm here.** _

_Don't know what I'd do without you._

_**I'm sure you'd get by, just fine.** _

Dean huffs a quiet laugh to himself, but he doesn't believe it. He can support himself, and he can get through the day, but he was never really able to say he was happy before Cas. He had good days, sometimes he had _really_ good days, but the fact of the matter is, even then, most of his time was spent pretending for the rest of the world. He doesn't say any of this to Cas; he makes a dumb joke as usual, and segues quickly into a different topic.

\- - -

Sam gets home a little while later, and Dean finally lets Cas get back to work, turning around and leaning on the back of the couch and smiling too brightly at his little brother.

"How was school?"

"Uh, it was good," he grins, and Dean can see the faintest blush rise in his brother's cheeks. "How about your day? I see you were pretty productive."

Dean chuckles, "yeah, there wasn't much else to do after Cas dropped me off."

Sam disappears into the kitchen, but Dean can hear him shuffling around, and he pokes his head through the doorway, "speaking of Cas, how are you two doing?"

"We're talking again, if that's what you mean."

"You know it’s not, but I’m glad. You're happier with him around."

"Whatever."

Sam snorts, and he comes up behind Dean, offering him a drink and sliding in next to him. He glances over and his jaw drops, staring openly at Dean's arms and his face. 

"What the hell happened?"

"I'm fine, I don't wanna talk about it. There's mac and cheese in the oven."

"Look, if you need anything-"

"Not talking about it," Dean insists. 

"Right."

Sam gets back up and disappears back into the kitchen, returning a few minutes later with two bowls of macaroni. They settle into a comfortable silence, flicking the TV back on as background noise. 

"So you wanna tell me about Cas?"

Dean can't help the way his lips curl up at the corner, "it was just some stupid misunderstanding... we talked it out."

Sam snorts in amusement, "you _talked_?"

"Shut up."

"You really like him, don't you?"

"Shut up, Sam."

"Come on, are you gonna tell him?"

"It's not like that."

"Bull shit it's not. Look, I know you don't think you're good enough or whatever, but you don't have to be a genius to realize that what's there goes both ways."

Dean ignores him, and Sam shakes his head. There's something, sure, but it's one-sided – despite whatever Sam says - and it's not like he won't get over it. Cas isn't the first person he's ever had feelings for that he'll have to get over, so he ignores his brother and turns his attention back to the TV.

\- - -

Sam heads to bed just after nine, claiming he has an exam the next morning, and Dean teases him about being old until Sam pipes up that at least he'll always be four years younger than Dean. He washes the dishes and says a quick goodnight to Dean before vanishing into his room, and Dean watches the last few minutes of the show that's on, then pulls the blanket off the back of the couch, draping it over himself and resting his head on the cushion.

He leaves the TV on and shuts his eyes, focusing on the sounds of whatever show is currently playing. He's exhausted again, but he's afraid to let his mind wander because he knows exactly where it'll go, so he focuses on every sound he can hear, cataloguing them and going so far as to count the seconds between the drops of water falling from the tap in the kitchen. It's ridiculous that he's afraid to go to sleep, but he can't seem to convince himself of that, that he needs to sleep at some point in his life. So he lies awake for hours, flipping through channels every time he starts to drift, and drinking more coffee than anyone should consume in a three-hour period. 

He texts Cas, but he doesn't get a response, which actually, is entirely logical because it's late, and Cas probably has to open tomorrow, but it doesn't make him any less anxious.

It's a couple minutes past one when the hall light flicks on and heavy footfalls make their way toward the living room. 

"You still up?" Sam asks. 

"Can't sleep," Dean grunts.

"Yeah, me neither. Shove over-" Dean groans as he sits up, making space for his brother next to him. "You thinkin' about Dad?"

"Trying not to."

"Me too. You gonna be there tomorrow?"

Dean cringes internally. _Fuck_. He'd almost forgotten about his Dad's funeral. "Yeah, yeah I'll be there. So what's up with you?" he asks, switching the topic, "you don't usually let exams bug you this much. Something else goin' on?"

"Uh," Sam chuckles, "actually, kind of- there's this girl in the nursing program."

"A girl, huh?" Dean straightens up, shooting a smirk in his brother's direction.

"Yeah," Sam rubs the back of his head awkwardly, "she's uh-" a dark flush tints his cheeks and Dean grins at him, "I'm gonna ask her out tomorrow."

"Good for you!" Dean beams, "what's her name?"

"Jessica."

"Jessica huh? And she's gonna be a nurse?"

"Yeah."

"What's she look like?"

Sam bites his lip, staring down at his lap, "God, she's beautiful. She's got this, wavy blonde hair and this adorable little mole right between her eyebrows-" 

Dean's mind drifts. He's happy for Sam, so damn happy, but it makes him think about what _he_ wants, about the fact that it's not something he's ever going to get, and about the fact that one day he's gonna watch Cas fall for someone and wander off into the sunset without him. 

"You like her?" he asks, abruptly cutting off his own thoughts.

"A lot, yeah."

"Good for you. Hold onto her."

They talk a little longer; Dean asks, Sam explains, and then Sam falls asleep with his head on Dean's shoulder, and Dean doesn't sleep. He gets up and makes another pot of coffee, and while it's working, he starts in on making lunch for Sam. He showers, he reorganizes his room, he tidies up his mess in the kitchen and then scrubs the counters again. He waits until five am and then he makes his way downtown to the bakery. 

Cas nearly attacks him when he comes through the back door, but as soon as he realizes who it is, he relaxes, leaning back on one of the pastry tables. 

"Jesus, Dean, you scared the shit out of me. I didn't think you were back yet." He eyes Dean suspiciously, folding his arms over his chest.

"Sorry, I uh- can't sleep."

"So you came to work?"

"I came to talk to you."

Cas' frown intensifies, and he leans forward, "what's wrong?"

Dean's so damn sick of those words, but he keeps quiet and walks over to stand next to Cas so that he's not facing him, "um, I know things are still a little weird- for us, I mean, but um- Dad's funeral is at two and I know you'll still be working, and I know Gabe will have to find someone to cover but I-"

"Dean," Cas turns to him, his expression soft, "if you need me to be there, I'll be there."

"Thanks."

"Are you gonna hang out?"

"No, I'm gonna- I dunno, Sam brought the car back last night so I might just go for a drive."

"Just call me if you need anything."

\- - -

The next eight hours pass too quickly, and yet seem to drag on for an eternity. Dean can't bring himself to get out of the car and get Cas, so he sits and waits with his head against the window until Cas taps on it, and he has to unlock the passenger door. They drive in silence to the little cemetery where the funeral's being held, and Dean can feel Cas wanting to ask if he's okay. He's so done having people tiptoe around him and ask him if he's okay, he just wants to go back to the way things were before all of this shit happened.

Cas keeps quiet on the drive there, and when they get out of the car, he just falls in line with Dean as they make their way toward the grave. Sam's there already with a couple of friends, one of which is a cute blonde that Dean assumes in Jessica, and there's a few of Dad’s friends that still live in town, but it's a small gathering. 

Dean and Cas stand off to the side, and Dean struggles to keep calm right from the beginning. He's only ever been to one other funeral, and he was only four then, and he's not expecting the wave of emotion that threatens to drown him. Balling his hands into fists, he tries to look anywhere but at the dark coffin, and forces himself to think of anything but what it contains. 

"Hey," Cas whispers softly, and when Dean looks over, he's holding out a hand to him. Dean unfurls his fingers, brushing them against Cas', and some of the pressure eases off as Cas slips his fingers between them. 

Dean waits afterwards until everyone else has left, still standing over his father's grave and thinking of what to say. 

"I'm sorry," is the first thing that comes to mind, "I'm sorry it took me so long to do this. I wish I'd been stronger, that I'd been able to come to you earlier and apologize because maybe I was an idiot, maybe we both were, but you're my dad, and I'll always love you. I never should have- I'm sorry," he breathes, "say hi to Mom."

He waits for a long time before he realizes he has nothing more to say, and then he trudges back over to the car. Everyone else has left, but Cas is sitting on the trunk of the Impala, waiting patiently. 

"Are you ready to go?" he asks. Dean can't bring himself to answer, he just leans on the hood of the car, and hangs his head. "Dean?" Cas asks, slipping off the car, "Dean, are you okay?"

"No."

Cas comes around the side of the car, pressing a hand to Dean's back, "can I help?" Dean spins around and throws his arms around Cas' neck, burying his face in his neck. He fists his hands in Cas' coat, digging his fingers into the leather. 

"He's really gone," he sighs, and the tears start before he can even attempt to hold them back and he grips Cas' shoulders hard. 

"I'm sorry," Cas whispers, pushing his hands up Dean's back, and holding him close. Dean stands completely still, letting Cas hold him until he's painfully uncomfortable from standing still. 

"Cas," he mumbles, "I wanna go home."

"Of course," Cas breathes, "do you want me to drive you?"

 _Yes_ , he thinks, _I want you to drive me home and come to bed with me and make me forget the last week of my life._

"No, I'll be okay."

Cas backs up to look at him, squeezing both his arms, "if you're sure. I know I've said it a thousand times, but if you need anything-" 

"Thanks, Cas," he breathes, and all he wants to do is lean in and kiss him. Cas waits for him to get in the car, and Dean wants to climb back out and never let him go, but he turns the key and pulls away, pretending he can't see Cas watching after him.

\- - -

He sleeps even worse that night, wide awake until three am, and even when he does get tired, the thoughts of Dad stop him from falling asleep. He ends up leaning against the wall with his knees pulled up and a book in his hand. It's easier to focus on reading than it was last night, but he still ends up having to re-read passages.

Dean waits until half an hour before the bakery opens and heads down there to wait. It's only four in the morning, but he's too impatient to wait until later, so he sits and waits for Gabriel, and when he does show up, he just frowns at him. 

"What are you doing here?"

"I can't sleep, I can't sit still or I start thinking about it-"

"Do you want me pull Cas out today?"

"No, Gabe, I wanna work."

"Dean, your dad-"

"Why d'you think I can't sleep. I need something to occupy me, okay?"

Gabriel gives in, and Dean's okay for the first little while, helping him set up and get everything organized. Cas is concerned when he comes in, but he lets Dean go off on his own, trusting his assessment of himself. It isn't until after noon that he begins to regret coming back to work so suddenly. 

He's standing behind the counter, assuring Lisa that the black eye was nothing but a drunken bar fight, when a man comes in, shifting behind her, and Dean freezes almost instantly. 

"You okay, hon?" Lisa asks, and Dean opens his mouth to speak, but his words jumble up, and Lisa rubs his arm. "Dean, babe-"

Gabriel comes up behind him and claps a hand on his shoulder, "you go."

"I, uh-"

"Don't worry about it, I got this, Dean," Gabriel pushes him out of the way gently, "go see Cas."

Lisa rubs her thumb over his knuckles and he can hear Gabe explaining his mood as he walks away. Cas is sitting just inside the doors, folding pastry, and he looks up when Dean bursts in. 

"What's up?" he asks, scowling at him in concern, "are you alright?"

"Nope," Dean mutters, dropping onto the first stool he finds and holding his head in his hands. 

"Hey, hey," Cas jumps up, brushing a hand down his back, "what's going on?"

"I can't-" 

Cas curls an arm around his shoulder and nudges him off his seat, "come with me." He leads Dean back toward Gabriel's office, pressing him down into the computer chair and kneeling down in front of him. "You shouldn't be here," he says, "your dad's funeral was only yesterday."

"I need something to do."

"I'm off at three, until then you should go home and sleep, Dean. Did you get any sleep at all last night?"

"No, I can't."

Cas' eyebrows furrow and he places his hands on Dean's knees, "I wish I could help," he pauses, "If you need something to do, you can help me out back here. Gabe's got a friend coming in for the afternoon shift out front, so I'm back here all day."

"Alright."

Cas stands up, taking one of Dean's hands in his own and helping him up, "come on." He smiles encouragingly and leads him back to the table, sitting down and patting the stool next to him. 

The next couple hours pass easily. It starts mostly with Dean actually helping, and then devolves into Dean mostly hovering around the table and watching while Cas works. Cas has beautiful hands, and he works so skillfully that Dean can't help but stare.

"Have you worked in a bakery before?" he asks. Cas smiles up at him, probably glad for the sudden conversation, and change in Dean's mood. 

"Not professionally. I used to help Gabe out when he was first starting, other than that just what I baked with my mother when I was young."

"You never talk about your family," Dean comments, fiddling with one of the icing bags and glancing up at Cas.

"Mom died when I was young, and Dad took off when she was pregnant with me." He says it so casually that Dean's not sure how to respond, but then Cas looks up and grins that stupid smile of his and Dean can't help but return the gesture, "do you want to help?"

"Not right now," Dan smiles softly. He just wants to watch in all honesty, and listen to Cas talk about... anything, really. Cas eyes him as he finishes up, and Dean helps him tidy up just after two o'clock. 

"You want to get lunch?" Cas asks, hanging his apron up and turning back to Dean, "it's a little late, but I haven't eaten anything since before noon."

"Yeah, sure," Dean follows Cas out to the parking lot and pauses next to the Impala, "you wanna take my car?" Cas just grins at him, and crosses to lean up against the car. Dean chuckles lightly to himself and circles the car, unlocking his own door and reaching across to let Cas in. "Where're we headed?"

"There's a little '60s style diner a couple blocks away-"

"Amy's?" Dean grins. Cas nods and leans back against the seat, "she's a friend of Sam's."

"Naturally," Cas grins. Dean drives the familiar route to Amy's and parks out front, glad to have something to do that doesn’t involve work or sitting alone in his apartment. He and Cas slip into a booth by the window, and they both order cheeseburgers and milkshakes. 

"So I've been thinking," Cas mumbles, halfway through a fry, "if you've been having trouble sleeping, you could stay with us," he shrugs, "you had no problem sleeping there." 

Dean blushes down at his food, "'s not the place that helped." 

Cas looks up at him and grins subtly before ducking his head to finish his fries. He doesn't mention the comment, but Dean can feel his face burning under the obvious attention, "I should call Sam," he mumbles, and Cas beams at him. Dean slips out and pulls his phone from his pocket, dialing Sam's number.

"Hey," Sam answers, "what's up."

"Hey, you home?"

"Not at the moment, why?"

"I'm uh, I'm not gonna be home tonight..." 

He can literally hear the smirk in Sam's voice when he asks, "oh yeah?"

"I haven't slept in days, dude. Last time I slept okay was at Gabe's."

"Uh huh," Sam replies distractedly, "and Cas has absolutely no bearing on your decision whatsoever?"

"Sam-"

"I swear to God if you don't ask him out, I'll do it for you."

Dean can't help the huff of a laugh that escapes him, "so how's Jess?" he smirks, quickly turning the tables.

"She's good," Sam replies casually, but Dean can practically hear his brother beaming. 

"Mmhm, you should invite her over, apartment to yourself who knows what could happen," he waggles his eyebrows despite the fact that Sam can't see him, and grins to himself.

"Uh huh, I'll give her a call as soon as you talk to Cas."

Dean frowns and turns back to the diner just in time to see Cas coming through the front door, "oops, tunnel-" he fakes a static-y sound and taps the end call button, grinning up at Cas, "Sam says I can come as long as it's okay with Gabe," he teases, and Cas' smile brightens. 

"It's good to see you smiling again," he beams. 

"Shut up. What do I owe you for lunch?"

"Nothing, don't worry about it." Dean frowns at him, but doesn't argue about it, instead crossing to the car and unlocking Cas' door for him. When he checks the time on his phone, there' s a text from Sam containing only a frowny face and the words _DO IT_ in big capital letters. He stuffs the device back in his pocket and pulls out of the parking lot.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Dean thought the memories that came back to him at night were bad enough, having to recount that night in detail, out loud, to another person is ten times worse. He's a lot shakier than he'd like to admit by the time he's done, and he waits for Cas in the main area of the station, picking at his jeans anxiously. Cas comes out a little bit later, and Gabe picks them both up and takes them back to the shop. 
> 
> He offers them both the rest of the day off, and Cas waves him off, tying his apron back around his waist, but Dean says an awkward goodbye and drives himself home. He spends the rest of the afternoon recounting both the night with Luke and the conversation he had with officer Kathleen, drinking whiskey and moping around on the couch. He's flat drunk by six, and his miserable drunk mind decides that getting in the bath is a good idea.

When they get to Gabriel's the mood changes drastically. Gabe's not home, and the second Dean crosses through the doorway, it's the foremost thing in his mind. It's as though the last couple months never happened and Cas has just brought him home after their first date, neither entirely sure what to do with the other. Cas shuffles awkwardly into the kitchen, and Dean drops his bag on the floor and settles in the corner of the couch, glancing up over the back to see what Cas is up to. He comes into the living room a few minutes later with two cans of beer. 

"You want nachos?" he asks, handing one of the cans over the back of the couch. 

"Uh, sure- you need a hand?"

"Yeah," he grins, "if you want." Dean gets up and crosses into the kitchen, and he's sorely tempted to put his hands on Cas' hips and press up against his back. He wants to press his nose into Cas' neck and kiss him until he forgets all about making nachos. Instead, he keeps his hands otherwise occupied digging out tomatoes and cheese from the fridge. They work easily side by side, and Dean wonders why they've never done anything like this before. 

Cas bumps his shoulder with his own and grins at him, and _God_ he's beautiful when he smiles. Dean just barely holds it together as he grates the cheese, watching Cas out of the corner of his eye. For a little while, when the two of them are together, it almost feels like nothing is wrong, and Dean can live in his little fantasy world where everything is fine and Cas wants him just because. 

They finish up with the prep and Cas puts the nachos in the oven as Dean clears off the coffee table and finds something decent to watch on TV. 

Cas mocks him endlessly about the fact that he watches Dr. Sexy MD, but he eventually comes around, and Dean even gets him to admit that cowboy boots and lab coats are sexy by the end of the fifth episode. They end up drinking too much and giggling madly at the ridiculousness of the show, and Dean leans in close until his nose bumps against Cas'. 

"Doctor," he grins, shifting closer. 

"Doctor," Cas answers, his lips curling up in response. Dean tilts his chin, his lips parting softly as he moves in, and then suddenly the door bangs open and Dean pulls back. He opens his eyes and finds Cas watching him. There's a moments' pause before both of them burst out laughing, and Dean falls into the cushions as Gabriel peers over at them from the kitchen. 

"Am I interrupting something?" he asks, grinning to himself as he unpacks bags of groceries. 

"We should go to bed," Cas smiles, "I have to work in the morning."

"No you don't," Dean shakes his head, "you could stay home, we could watch Star Trek-"

"Or," Cas suggests, "I can go to work, and then when I get home we can watch Star Trek."

"Fine," Dean puts on a mock pout, but Cas stands up and holds out a hand to him, and he grins as he's pulled up off the couch. Cas leads him down the hall and Dean hears a faint ' _no sex when I'm home!_ from the kitchen before the door falls shut. Dean tugs off his shirt and jeans and drops onto the mattress, pulling the covers up around his chest and looking up at Cas expectantly. 

"What?" Cas asks, his eyes narrowing questioningly.

"You're beautiful," Dean hums. 

Cas shuts his eyes, huffing a laugh, "you're drunk."

"Maybe," Dean shrugs, "but you're still beautiful."

Cas strips down to his boxers and kneels on the bed, sliding under the covers next to Dean, "you're not so bad yourself," he grins, pressing a quick kiss to Dean's forehead. Dean wrinkles his nose and closes his eyes, already drifting off as Cas' knee bumps against his own.

\- - -

The following few nights pass in much the same way, and Dean starts to wonder how he ever disliked Cas at all. The man is brilliant, and gorgeous and the biggest fucking dork he's ever met in his entire life, and Dean wants him so much it almost hurts. It's possible that Cas is the best friend he's ever had, and they've only known each other just under two months. He wakes up Monday morning dreading the day ahead; he has to go back to work tomorrow, and as much as he's looking forward to it, he's not looking forward to going home and not sleeping curled up next to Cas every night. He's barely thought about his dad or Luke since in the past few days, and as guilty as that makes him feel, he's been happy.

Cas shoots him a grin as he leaves in the morning, and Dean finishes packing his duffel before he's out the door and heading back home to Sam. The apartment is quiet, and there's a note on the counter saying Sam's out for lunch with Jess, so Dean tasks himself with doing the laundry and tidying his room. He ends up passing out just after eight , and he doesn't wake up until his alarm goes off at three am. 

Dean curses his boss as he climbs out of bed, dragging a heavy hand through his hair. He stumbles through his morning routine, and winds up at the bakery earlier than he needs to be, but he just makes himself coffee and waits in Gabe's office until it's time to open. Charlie shows up a little while later, absolutely beaming, and rattling off a the story of her night and a woman named Gilda who's apparently the reason she's still a little foggy. 

"So how about Cas? You two seemed to have your shit sorted the other day. Are you guys," she waggles her eyebrows, "y'know?"

"No," Dean shakes his head, "but we're talking again." Charlie rolls her eyes dramatically, and Dean waves her off as he goes to open up out front. 

Cas and Gabriel come into together around noon, and everything's going fine until just after one, when the door swings open and Luke saunters into the bakery. Dean's alone out front, and he's glad there aren't a lot of customers because he's about to lose his shit. 

"Mornin'" Luke smirks.

"Get out," Dean says, not even bothering to look up at him.

"What, don't want me now?"

"Get out right the fuck now, before I make you."

Luke’s expression changes to something entirely displeased, "This is all about Cas, isn't it? You can't deal with the fact that I had him first, can you?"

"This has nothing to do with Cas," Dean grits out, and he's practically shaking. Cas comes out from the kitchen just as Dean's storming around to the other side of the counter.

"What're you gonna do, hit me again? Don't you remember how that ended last time?"

Dean storms up to him, his eyes narrowed sharply, "get. out." Luke's eyes flick up and over Dean's head, and his smile twists into a cruel smirk. Before he knows what's happening, Dean's pushed aside and a furious Gabriel is facing Luke, a rolling pin in his hand and jabbed under Luke's chin. 

"Who the _fuck_ do you think you are, coming in here after everything you've done? Get the fuck out now I swear to God I'll break your face." Luke just cocks an eyebrow at him, and mutters something that Dean can't hear. "You don't fuck with my family, asshat." Gabe punches him square in the jaw and Luke's still reeling when Gabriel shouts for Cas to call the cops. Dean watches in shock, leaning against the counter and gaping. 

The next few hours pass in a blur as the cops show up and Dean, Cas and Gabriel give their statements. Gabe ends up staying at the bakery while Cas and Dean go down to the station to give additional statements. 

If Dean thought the memories that came back to him at night were bad enough, having to recount that night in detail, out loud, to another person is ten times worse. He's a lot shakier than he'd like to admit by the time he's done, and he waits for Cas in the main area of the station, picking at his jeans anxiously. Cas comes out a little bit later, and Gabe picks them both up and takes them back to the shop. 

He offers them both the rest of the day off, and Cas waves him off, tying his apron back around his waist, but Dean says an awkward goodbye and drives himself home. He spends the rest of the afternoon recounting both the night with Luke and the conversation he had with officer Kathleen, drinking whiskey and moping around on the couch. He's flat drunk by six, and his miserable drunk mind decides that getting in the bath is a good idea. 

He strips down and slips into the bath, phone in one hand and a partial bottle of Jack in the other. The water's too hot, but the alcohol helps, and he just slips further down and closes his eyes. 

He doesn't remember calling Cas, but suddenly the bathroom door pushes in, and he' s standing in the doorway, a concerned frown on his face. Dean groans and turns his head, resting his chin on the edge of the tub so he doesn't have to face Cas. 

"Go 'way."

"You called me, Dean."

"Didn't."

"You did," he insists gently, "where's your phone, Dean?"

Dean shrugs and there's a quiet sploosh as his phone tumbles off the side of the tub and into the water. Dean just looks at it and turns back away, so Cas steps up, kneels next to the tub and pulls the device out from between Dean's knees. Dean barely acknowledges him as he sets the phone on the counter, but when he catches a flash of movement out of the corner of his eye and glances over to see Cas shrugging his coat off, he turns his body towards him. 

"What're you doing?"

"You said you needed me, so I'm here, and I'm staying."

"Jus' go."

"Dean, I'm not going anywhere. Come on, get out of the bath."

"No," Dean shoots back petulantly. 

"Dean-"

"'M staying." There's a moments' pause, and Dean thinks Cas has given in, but when he looks up to check, Cas is unbuttoning his jeans and dropping them to the floor. "Wha're you doing?"

"I'm coming in there with you. Shove forward." Cas strips down to his boxers and taps Dean gently on the shoulder, "shove forward." 

Dean slumps forward, bumping his head against the wall, "no one wants me for anything but sex." His words slur together, and he folds himself over as Cas slips in behind him. 

"Dean," Cas hushes, "that's not true, you know it's not."

"Is," he mutters, turning the hot water back on. Cas reaches around him and shuts it off just as quickly.

"That's ridiculous-"

"What 'bout you then?" 

"It's not like that-"

"Cas," Dean snaps, "my longest relationship lasted three weeks and she left me for some other guy 'cause I 'wouldn't commit'" he puts on a cynical voice and uses sloppy air quotes as he speaks.

"I'm still here," Cas says softly, but Dean doesn't hear him, shifting so he's not touching Cas. Cas just draws him back, sliding his arms around Dean's waist and kissing his shoulder. 

Dean thuds against his chest, sloshing water over the side of the tub. He wants to curl up and die, but Cas won't even let him go; he holds him tightly against his chest, pressing his nose into Dean's neck, and Dean wants to cry. He balls his fists up and Cas unfurls his fingers carefully, running his thumb over each of them soothingly, and Dean gives in, lying flat against Cas' chest and pressing his head under Cas' chin. There’s a beat of silence before Cas’ voice echoes off the walls softly.

" _Just lay it all down,_ " Cas sings, running his fingers through Dean's hair, " _put your face into my neck and let it fall out. I know, I know, I know. I knew before you got home_ -" 

Dean lets his eyes drop shut and he nuzzles Cas' neck affectionately. Cas hums softly as he continues, " _this world you're in now, it doesn't have to be alone, I'll get there somehow, 'cause I know, I know, I know, when even springtime feels cold-_

_But I will learn to breathe, this ugliness you see, so we can both be there and we can both share the dark, and in our honesty, together we will rise, out of our nightminds and into the light at the end of the fight..._ " he trails off, and Dean lifts his head meekly. 

"Why d'you stop?"

"You should get out of the bath, Dean."

"Don't wanna."

"Come on," Cas insists, pushing Dean forward and heaving himself out. Dean leans back and lifts his eyes to watch Cas as he pulls towels out of the closet. He wraps one around his waist and crouches down to unplug the tub. Holding out a hand, he helps Dean up, catching him as he stumbles, and Dean slouches up against him, supporting himself entirely on Cas. He lets Cas dry him off, barely paying attention to anything as Cas steps closer to dry his hair. 

"Let's get you to bed." 

Dean doesn't say anything as Cas wraps the towel around his hips, and leads him into the bedroom. He just lets himself be led and unwraps the towel before dropping onto his bed and rolling onto his stomach. 

"You gonna get changed?"

"No," Dean mumbles into the pillow. Cas just huffs a laugh at him and tugs the blankets up over his bare back, "will you stay?"

"You want me to stay?"

"Mmhm." 

"Alright," Cas agrees, "you mind if I borrow pajamas?" Dean mumbles a muffled 'no' and shoves his arms up under his pillow. He wants Cas next to him, curled around him; he just doesn't want to be alone anymore. Cas sinks down into the mattress next to him and Dean shifts closer. Cas is warm against him, his borrowed pajama pants are soft against Dean's knees, and Dean hums contentedly as Cas pulls him against him. 

"Go to sleep, Dean." 

"Will you sing?" he asks. Cas huffs a soft laugh, and Dean opens his eyes, looking up to meet Cas' gaze, "please?" Cas smiles softly and slides his fingers into Dean’s hair, pressing his head back against his chest.

" _You were blessed by a different kind of inner view: it's all magnified. The highs would make you fly, and the lows make you want to die. And I was once there, hanging from that very ledge where you are standing. So I know, I know, I know, It's easier to let go_."

Dean rolls over, pressing his back into Cas' chest, and pulling Cas' arm around him. There's a huff of laughter in his ear and Cas presses closer, " _but I will learn to breathe this ugliness you see, so we can both be there and we can both share the dark._

_And in our honesty, together we will rise out of our nightminds and into the light at the end of the fight... and in our honesty, together we will rise out of our nightminds and into the light... at the end of the fight..._ ”

\- - -

Dean doesn't feel any better when he wakes up, and his head is pounding. There are painkillers and a glass of water next to his bed, and he swallows the pills quickly before thudding back against the mattress.

"How do you feel?" Cas asks from across the bed.

"Shit," he mutters, "you should probably just go. You shouldn't have to deal with my shit."

"Dean," Cas hums softly, "when are you going to realize that I wouldn't come when you call if you weren't important to me. I want to be able to help."

"Whatever," Dean mumbles. "I meant what I said last night, Cas. People don't want me, I'm not good for anything but sex." Cas rolls him onto his back, and Dean frowns up at him. 

"That's not true."

"Yeah?" he snarks, turning his head so he's not looking at Cas. 

"Yeah," Cas breathes, lifting Dean's hand and pressing a kiss to his knuckles. He shoves the blankets down to the bottom on the bed and kneels between Dean's legs. He bends, kissing the bruises on Dean's knees and rubbing circles into his shins.

"You're an amazing man, Dean," he slides both hands up Dean's thighs to hold his hips still and kisses the inside of his knee, " you're kind and caring-" he presses his mouth softly against Dean's inner thigh and works his way up slowly, full lips sliding over his skin and sending shivers up his spine.

Cas' stubble scratches against his skin and Dean exhales slowly, keeping himself calm; he doesn't want to hear this because it's not true, he's not amazing, and Cas is so good, so much better than him. He feels exposed, too open and raw like Cas can tell everything about him just by touching him, and it makes him want to cover himself up but he can't even bring himself to move, so he lies still, nearly shaking with unshed tears, and lets Cas kiss him.

"One day you'll find someone who loves you more than anything," Cas presses a line of slow, tender kisses from the inside of his thigh up to his hip, "someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with you, and everything you feel now will just be a bad memory." Cas lips brush against his skin as he speaks and Dean aches to hold him, to keep him there forever. He wants to tell him that _he's_ the one he wants, and that he's never going to have that, but Cas' mouth moves up over his abdomen and he forgets how to speak.

Cas continues his exploration, and though its more comforting than sexual, Dean can feel himself grow hard as Cas touches him and kisses him. He’s uncomfortable and he wants to turn away, but Cas holds him still, pressing his nose up Dean's stomach.

"Relax," he breathes, Settling his hands higher on dean sides. He leaves wet spots all the way up Dean's chest, angling his head to close his mouth around his neck, kissing him softly, but firmly. Cas' nose brushes the underside of his jaw, and Dean tips his head down, catching Cas' lips with his own.

He kisses him silently, reveling in the taste and feel of Cas against him. Even if everything else in his life is wrong, this feels right; Cas feels right. Their lips slide together, soft presses of skin on skin, and when a soft moan slips between them, Dean’s not sure who it came from. Cas shifts against him and pulls back slowly.

"Tell me what you need, Dean."

Dean's words catch in his throat as Cas' fingers dance over his skin and he pulls away from him, turning onto his side. He doesn't deserve it, but Cas seems to know exactly what he wants, and he turns Dean back to face him and wraps his arms around him, tugging him against his chest. Dean shuts his eyes and breathes slowly, tipping his forehead against Cas' chest. Cas holds him, his breath hot in Dean's hair, and Dean sighs contentedly, slipping his arm around Cas' waist. 

They lie together in silence for a long time, nothing but the sound of their breath and the soft rustle of sheets to fill the air. It isn't until there's a knock on the door that either of them moves, and then it's grudgingly that Dean climbs out of bed and tugs on the first pair of boxers he finds. 

He stops in the hall, leaning against the wall and shutting his eyes. Maybe for once things can work out, maybe, just once he can actually have what he wants. Pushing himself up, he goes to the door, tugging it inwards. 

Sam grins down at him, but his expression contorts to something similar to confusion, "sorry, I forgot my keys- am I interrupting something?"

"No," Dean says, "I just haven't gotten out of bed."

"Good," Sam grins, pushing past him, "you can come out tonight and meet Jess. Bring Cas."

"Look, I dunno. I had a late night last night, and I'm just- I dunno." He watches Sam walk into the kitchen and grab a bottle of water from the fridge. 

"Hey," Sam holds up both hands, "just think about it, okay? I'm on my way to Jess' place, but gimme a call later." Sam walks out into the hall again and grins back in at Dean, "it's cool if you're not up to it, I just thought it might be fun."

"I'll give you a call later, Sammy." Sam backs down the hallway, waving briefly before turning into the elevator. Dean sighs as he shuts the door, and makes his way back to the bedroom, flopping down next to Cas on his mattress. 

"What's wrong?" Cas asks, frowning up at him. 

"Sam wants us to go out with him tonight, to meet Jess."

"And?"

"I dunno."

"I think it'd be a good idea," Cas says, reaching up to pull Dean back down to his level, "it'll give you a chance to get out of the house, and away from all the shit in your head."

Dean sighs dramatically, but he knows Cas and Sam are right; he does need to get out of the house, and he definitely needs a break from being alone with his thoughts, "yeah, okay."

"Come on then," Cas smiles encouragingly, "you should get up."

"Ugh," Dean groans, flopping one arm over his eyes. 

"Out of bed," Cas chuckles. He crosses to the dresser and Dean watches him rifle through the drawers, not even bothering to stop him. He rolls onto his stomach just in time to hear Cas' stifled gasp, and he lifts his head just enough to see the man holding out the pair of satin pink panties that were shoved into the back of his drawer, and he pushes his face back into the pillow. 

"I've never seen these before," Cas hums. Dean just groans, and tries not to exist. The bed sinks down at his feet and warm hands slide up the backs of his legs, smoothing over the bare skin and slipping just under the edge of his boxers. Cas leans low over him, "there are things you don't know about me too, Dean," he breathes, and then he's up and off the bed again, and Dean doesn't know whether to be turned on or really fucking embarrassed. Cas doesn't give him a chance to decide, tossing clothes onto his back for him to change into, and Dean's relieved when he doesn't mention the panties again. 

Dean gets dressed in the bathroom and makes an attempt to tame his hair before going back into the living room to find Cas lounging on the couch in a pair of Dean's jeans and one of his shirts. He stops, letting his eyes roam over Cas in his borrowed clothes, and _jesus_ , he should not be so turned on by that. 

It's gonna be along damn night.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam's not home when he gets there, and with no one else around to fill the silence Dean thinks too much about Cas and Sam and Jess, and by the time he's been home for two hours, he just wants to escape. The night passes equally slowly, even when Sam gets home, and Dean goes to bed early, ignoring the multiple texts he gets from Cas asking what's wrong.

Dean's feeling infinitely better by the time they leave the house, and he's actually looking forward to meeting Jess now that he doesn't feel like death warmed over. They meet Sam and Jess just outside the restaurant, and Sam beams at them. 

"I'm glad you decided to come," he grins, clapping Dean on the shoulder. Dean turns to the woman beside him with a grin, ready to introduce himself. Jess is beautiful, and smiling like she's the happiest woman in the whole world, one arm wrapped Sam's waist. "Dean, this is Jessica, Jess, my brother Dean and-" he looks between Cas and Dean, raising an eyebrow, "to be honest, I'm not sure what's going on with you two anymore."

Cas chuckles lightly, holding a hand out to Jess, "we're friends Sam," he turns to face Jess, "I'm Cas, it's nice to meet you." Sam and Jess walk into the building ahead of them, and Dean just catches up to Cas as he walks through the door. 

"I've sucked icing off your dick," he mumbles into Cas' ear, "I think we can say we're slightly more than friends." Cas flushes faintly, but he laughs quietly and they share a look of amusement before both turning to look and make sure Sam's not paying attention. The confused raised eyebrow they get in response sets them both off again, and they're still laughing when they sit down across from Sam and Jessica.

\- - -

Dinner goes remarkably well; Jess is adorable and hilarious, and she picks on Sam just as much as Dean does, which puts her in his good books immediately. Cas and Sam get on brilliantly as well, and in the back of his mind, Dean’s thankful that Sam never actually asked Cas out, though he tries not to think too hard about it.

Jess suggests bowling after they pay their bill, and Dean's more than happy to back her up on that idea. Cas just smiles at him warmly and Dean flushes and looks away, crossing the parking lot to where his car is parked under cover. 

"Is that _your_ car?" Jess asks, wide eyed. Dean's lips pull up at the corners and he links his arm with Jess'.

"Damn rights she is, c'mere, let me show you." He can hear Sam and Cas talking behind them, but Jess is listening to his every word, and he can't help the thrill of excitement that goes through him as she follows behind him, asking questions about the year and how he came to have such a beautiful car. 

"You mind if I ride with you?" she asks, and Dean pulls the passenger door open for her without response. 

"Sammy, you mind giving Cas a ride?"

“Should I be concerned that you’re stealing my girlfriend?” 

“Maybe just a little,” Dean winks.

Sam just laughs, "alright, Cas," he replies, shaking his head fondly, "looks like you're with me, Cas."

Dean slips into his seat next to Jess and smiles as he starts the engine, "you like classics?"

"My dad used to restore old Mustangs and I used to sit and color on the grass next to him for hours."

Dean chuckles, "I used to do the same, except Dad taught me how to fix her up. That's how I ended up with this beauty," he pats the dashboard and Jess smiles over at him.

"Sam was right about you and your car."

"Why?" Dean frowns, "what'd he say?"

"Just that you treat your car like a girlfriend," she pauses, "how does Cas feel about that?"

Dean can feel his cheeks burn, and he really needs to do something about his stupid face tonight, but he manages to keep his tone even, "I don't know what Sam's told you about Cas and I, but it's not like that with us. We had a... thing before, but that's been over for a while now."

"Hon, Sam didn't need to tell me anything for me to know that something’s going on between you two." 

"Yeah, well," Dean shrugs. 

Jess' expression falls, "doesn't he know how you feel?"

"Wow," Dean mutters, "it's no wonder you and Sam found each other, you sound exactly the same." Jess doesn't say anything, but she looks at him expectantly. "No, he doesn't know. There was some shit that happened, and it's not the kind of thing you just get over. I've come to terms with that. What about you and Sam? How are you two?" he tightens his grip on the wheel as he tips his head toward Jess. Listening to her talk about Sam works well enough to put Cas out of his mind, and before long they arrive at the bowling alley and they're back with Cas and Sam, and Dean doesn't have to worry about facing his feelings for a little while longer. 

Cas apologizes in advance for being a terrible bowler when they pick up their shoes, and Dean assures him that he's not any better and they'd better hope Sam and Jess are too distracted by each other to play properly. 

As it turns out, they are, but despite that, Dean and Cas only win by three points. There's a brief argument over who has to buy who drinks, but Dean eventually wins that one, and he and Cas find a table across from the bar while Sam and Jess go up to the bar. 

"You like her, huh?" Cas asks, distracting Dean from where he's watching Sam and Jess at the bar.

"Yeah," he says quietly, "yeah, I think she'll be really good for him. And she's gorgeous. And she loves him, a _lot_." He smiles up at Cas, but he can't help wonder where they might be now if he'd never spoken to Luke that first day, if maybe they could have what Sam and Jess do. The two of them return before Cas can reply, and Dean shifts his chair over slightly to make space for Sam. 

"Good game," Sam grins, pushing a beer across the table in front of Dean.

"You too," Dean raises his glass, clinking it against Sam's. "You guys got any plans for the rest of the night?"

"No, I've got class early in the morning, and Jess' flying out to Palo Alto in the morning to see her parents, so I'm just coming home. How about you?"

"As much as I laid around in bed all day, I'm exhausted. I'm just going home to bed."

\- - -

Jess offers to drive Cas home so Dean can get home to bed, and Sam kisses her goodbye outside the alley, making her promise to call when she gets to California. Cas pulls Dean aside, running a hand down his arm, "how are you feeling?"

"Good," Dean replies honestly, "I'm really glad Sam's happy."

"And you?"

Dean shrugs, "I've been worse."

"I'm not going to give up until you tell me you're happy, you know that right?" 

_I'm not gonna be happy until all this shit is over, and you miraculously fall in love with me,_ Dean thinks. "I'm happy."

"Good," Cas smiles, "I'll see you at work tomorrow." Dean wants to kiss him, and Cas lingers just long enough that he actually thinks about doing it, but then Jess comes up behind him and Cas' gaze drifts to her. 

"You ready to go?" she asks, and Cas nods, touches Dean's shoulder as he walks past. "Seeya Dean," Jess smiles, pulling him into a tight hug, "it's good to finally meet you."

"You too. See you again soon, yeah?"

"Of course," she smiles, letting him go. "Take care of Sam for me."

"Yeah, I'll try."

She and Cas duck into her car and drive off, and Sam comes up behind Dean, "you like her?"

"Dude," Dena grins, turning around to face his brother, "she's awesome, marry her."

"Honestly? I've thought about it. I know it's really soon, but it just feels right."

Dean nods and pulls the car door open, sliding into his own seat to hide the frown that quickly replaces his grin. They continue their conversation on the drive home, and Dean's honestly thrilled for his little brother, but the jealousy that aches in his chest is real, and hard not to think about.

\- - -

Gabriel leaves the bakery when Dean arrives the next morning, smirking at him and talking about some hot date that he's got lined up. Dean just rolls his eyes and shakes his head, and continues on cleaning the counters while it's slow. For the most part, his day has been normal, but he's been anxious around Cas all day. He can't stop thinking about what Jess said to him, what Sam's been saying to him for weeks now, and he wants so badly to just tell Cas the truth, to just tell him how he feels and hope for the best, but every time he tries, a customer comes up, or Cas has gone to the back, and he loses his nerve.

Cas is in a good mood all morning, but around eleven, Dean walks out of the kitchen to find him leaning across the counter with his hands clasped, a wide grin on his face as he looks up at a gorgeous man on the other side. As he gets closer, he realizes the guy must be English, because his accent is gorgeous, and it's no wonder Cas is beaming up at him like that. 

Dean's mood falls almost immediately, and Cas' words echo in his mind, _we're friends Sam_. Friends, that's all. He should have known better, he should have listened to Sam when he warned him that one of them would get hurt, because he was right; Cas is totally fine, and Dean's hiding in the kitchen trying to think of a valid reason to just go home and forget this whole thing with Cas ever happened. 

He takes off almost immediately after work, and he can feel Cas watching after him, but he ignores it. He's got two days off coming up, and that's a whole 48 hours he doesn't have to be near the man, so he gets in his car and drives home too quickly. 

Sam's not home when he gets there, and with no one else around to fill the silence Dean thinks too much about Cas and Sam and Jess, and by the time he's been home for two hours, he just wants to escape. The night passes equally slowly, even when Sam gets home, and Dean goes to bed early, ignoring the multiple texts he gets from Cas asking what's wrong.

\- - -

Sam gets up early in the morning, and Dean waits until he's out of the apartment to pull his bag out from the closet. If he's quick, he can get away without anyone finding out, so he packs quickly, shoving everything he needs in his duffel and heaves it over his shoulder. He doesn't tell anyone, just leaves a note for Sam saying he'll be gone for a little while, and he shuts off his phone and pulls out of the parking lot in a rush.

Getting out of the city helps, and by the time he hits the border, he's not feeling better, but he's feeling a lot less restricted, and he delays as long as he can, just driving around for a while until it starts to get dark and he needs to get back to his route. 

He crosses the state line into South Dakota just after nightfall and pulls into Bobby's scrapyard just before six. He throws his bag over his shoulder and climbs out of the car, making his way up the front steps and banging on the door until it swings open quickly and he's met with the less than impressed face of his surrogate father. 

"Dean? What the hell are you doing here?"

"Needed to get away for a bit," he shrugs, but Bobby's not buying it. 

"Seriously, Dean, what the hell?"

"I don't wanna talk about it, I just need somewhere to crash for a couple days."

Bobby grudgingly lets him in, but after dinner, he confronts Dean again. He's sitting in the living room, turning his phone over in his hand and debating whether he wants to risk turning it on again, when the man comes in and pulls up a chair in front of him and sits down. 

"You wanna tell me why you've run out on your brother?"

"Sam called you?"

"Says you took off this morning after he left the house."

"Yup."

"You better have a damn good reason."

"Look, Bobby, Sam doesn't need my shit. He's got a good girl, and he's happy- the last thing he needs is me to deal with on a daily basis."

"Your brother loves you, Dean, he wouldn't have hung around for so long if he didn't want to help you. And what about this Cas? You just gonna leave him now, after everything he's done for you? The way I hear it the two of you have been through a pretty shitty time, and he's stuck by you so far-"

"Right," Dean interrupts, "because the kind of person Cas needs in his life is a failure who can't even muster up the courage to talk to his own damn father before he dies-"

"Is that what this is all about? John? Your father didn't deserve you, Dean," Bobby roars, "that man was a lot of things, but a father wasn't one of 'em. When your mom died, he cared about himself, and himself only, so don't you dare feel bad about the way things turned out with him-"

"Whatever," Dean grunts, "I'm movin' out to Nebraska, I'll be gone in the morning," he stands up and shoves past Bobby, making his way upstairs and flopping down on a bed in one of the spare bedrooms. 

He falls asleep almost instantly, and it's early, but it's better than just lying there and thinking. 

When he gets up in the morning, Bobby and his truck are gone, but there's a note telling him to call his brother, and there's cold bacon and eggs wrapped in tinfoil next to the paper. Dean grabs both of them and makes to leave, but he comes face to face with Bobby in the front yard. 

"You better be headin' home, kid."

"Uh huh."

Bobby steps forward into his space, glowering at him, "you listen to me, Dean Winchester, you don't just run out on your family because things get difficult, you understand? You know how difficult shit got when your daddy dropped you off for months at a time with no word from him, but d'you think I walked out? No. I stayed here and made sure you boys had food and somewhere to sleep, so you're gonna get your idjit ass back home and apologize to the people who care about you, or I'm gonna shove you in the back of my truck and take you back there myself."

Dean stands, dumbfounded, and the only thing that comes out of his mouth is, "I quit my job last night."

"Then call your boss and tell him you need it back."

"I, I-"

"The only thing your gonna do is get your ass back in that big shiny car of yours and drive yourself back home." Dean makes to argue, but Bobby crosses his arms and gives him his best Dad look, and he can't think of any arguments that will end with him being allowed to stay.

"Fine," he grumbles, adjusting his bag on his shoulder. 

"Damn right it's fine. I expect you to call the minute you get back into town, you understand?"

"Uh huh," Dean rolls his eyes as he turns around, and Bobby marches him right up to the Impala, pulling the door open and waiting until Dean grudgingly gets into the drivers' seat to shut it again. Dean scowls up at him and Bobby puts on a mock grin. 

"Tell Sam hi for me when you get there," Bobby says, then he pats the roof of the car and strolls back toward the house as Dean starts the engine. 

Dean's pissed, but really, he knows Bobby's right, and the last thing he wants is to end up like his dad. He can't just leave Sam with their apartment and all the bills on his own, and he can't just ditch out on everyone else without saying why or where he's going. So he huffs as he pulls out of the junkyard, but he knows he's doing the right thing. He'll just talk to Sam when he gets back and they'll figure things out, he doesn't have to go back to work so he'll find a new job, a Casless job, and continue paying rent until he leaves, and that way he's not screwing Sam over. 

Still, he's not exactly eager to get home and face his brother, so he takes a detour. 

Dean winds up in Nebraska, and pulls into the Roadhouse parking lot right around lunch time. He walks into the bar and is met with a very angry raised eyebrow. 

"Dean Winchester, thought you might show up here."

"Ellen," he grins, walking toward her with his arms spread. She cracks a smile and pulls him into a long hug.

"You're not supposed to be here," she mumbles into his ear. 

"Hey, how could I be up here and not stop by to see you guys?"

Ellen pulls back and raises both eyebrows, hands firmly on her hips, "uh huh."

"Bobby called, huh?"

"About an hour ago," comes another, higher voice from behind the bar. Dean looks up and grins at her.

"Jo," he smiles. She runs up and throws her arms around his neck.

"Heard you got in shit with Bobby. Won't tell us why, though."

"Yeah, uh-" Dean rubs the back of his neck, and Jo mimics her mother's expression. 

"Spill, Winchester."

He rolls his eyes, "I'll tell you if you promise not to tell Bobby I'm here." Ellen frowns at him, but Jo's expression turns conspiratorial, and he's pretty sure he's won this.

"Deal," she grins, and Ellen shakes her head, but she walks around behind the bar and pours a couple of beers, sliding them across the bar to Dean and Jo. 

"Sit down," she sighs, "you want lunch?" Dean grins at her and climbs up on a stool next to Jo. 

"So?" she grins. 

"So, there's a whole lot of shit goin' on right now. You heard about Dad?"

"Yeah, but I know that's not what sent you running up here to get away. Who is she?"

"He," Dean corrects defeatedly, and Jo absolutely beams at him.

"Really? That's actually what this is about?"

"Yeah," Dean rolls his eyes and takes a drink, "my boss' brother of all people, too."

"So what? You screw around and get fired?"

"Not even close. Guy hated me. We fought every day to the point where Gabe almost called a meeting and told one of us we had to go. He was about a day away from it, I swear, but then-" he shrugs, and Jo leans in, widening her eyes expectantly. "Long story short? he fucked me in the kitchen after we closed one night."

"Wow."

"Yep, and then uh- we just kind of carried on, except things uh, things changed."

"You fell for him?"

Dean nods slowly, "it wasn't something I realized right away, and it happened over a long time, but then we got into this fight and we didn't talk for weeks, and I just realized one day how much I missed him, and it kind of hit me that maybe this wasn't just some guy I was screwing anymore, that maybe I-" 

"Love him?"

Dean looks into his beer for a few minutes, biting the inside of his lip, "yeah, um- yeah, actually I think I do."

"So, what now?" Jo asks gently, rubbing his back.

"We're talking again, but things are weird. He kinda helped me get through the whole thing with Dad, and it only made things worse."

"And when you say worse, you mean you're in love with him and you don't know what to do about it, right?"

Dean chuckles humorlessly, "pretty much."

"So what happened that made you leave?"

"I uh- he doesn't feel the same way, and I've just- look, Jo, he doesn't need my shit. It's bad enough he's had to put up with me for this long, and I don't wanna impose on him anymore."

She ignores him, "you said he helped you get through your Dad though, right? What did he do?"

"I stayed with him and Gabe, and Cas stayed home with me. He uh," he thinks back to the few days he spent with Cas after all the shit with Luke and his dad, and he leans over the bar, turning to face Jo, "I couldn't sleep unless I was," he shrugs and turns away, "I couldn't sleep alone for too fucking long, and Cas... well, Cas made sure I- he took care of me."

"You mean he cuddled up with you for a few days?"

"Basically, but he-"

"So what you're telling me, is this guy dropped everything to take care of you - after you were fighting - to take care of you, and shared his bed with you so you could sleep, and you don't think he feels anything for you?"

"Jo-"

"No, you idiot, don't 'Jo' me. People don't drop everything for someone they don't care about. Believe me."

"It's not like that."

"Like shit it's not, Dean. You fell in love with him and you don't think that maybe, just maybe, he might have too? Honey, it's a good thing you're pretty, 'cause you're either so deep in denial you'll never get out, or you're just dumb as fuck." Ellen comes out with a burger and fries for Dean and slides it in front of him, and Dean wants to hug her, he's so thankful for the distraction, but as soon as she's gone, Jo's frowning at him again. 

"I think maybe you owe this guy an apology, Dean."

"Yeah, maybe," Dean mumbles around a mouthful of burger.

"No maybes about it. You need to go home and talk to him, you need to tell him how you feel, and for christ's sake, you need to stop running away from your goddamn feelings."

Dean sneers at her and takes another drink of his beer, pretending not to hear. Jo disappears to the back, and Dean sits in silence for a while, eating his burger and drinking his beer, until Ellen comes out from the kitchen again, drying her hands on a dishcloth with Jo in tow. 

"Jo says you got boy troubles."

Dean groans and drops his forehead against the bar. He ends up relaying the entire story to Ellen, and by the time he finishes, it's just about dark again. 

"Jo's right, you're a dumbass."

"Thanks," Dean mutters.

"What you need to do is go home and tell that boy how you feel about him, and stop hidin' away up here."

"Yeah, yeah-"

"Honey, I'm serious, and if you wanna get home tonight, you might want to think about takin' off, 'cause it's getting pretty late." Ellen slides an arm around his shoulders and smiles at him. 

"Yeah, I probably should head out."

"You do that, and you gimme a call when you get back into town, y'hear?"

"Alright, alright." He pushes his stool back and hops off, shrugging his jacket back on. Ellen hugs him and steps out of the way as Jo pushes past to wrap her arms around him again.

"Maybe try showing up a little more often, huh?" 

"I'll try," he grins. "Seeya Jo, Ellen."

"Get outta here," Ellen smiles. 

Dean walks out of the bar feeling emotionally exhausted. All he wants to do is go the fuck to sleep, but he's got a three hour drive ahead of him, and he's got to keep himself awake if he wants to get home tonight. He stops at the first gas station he comes across and buys a shitty to-go coffee to try and quell his exhaustion. 

He drinks too much coffee, and thinks too much on his way home, and by the time he reaches Lawrence, he's fighting with himself about what to do. He wants to sleep, but more than anything, he wants to see Cas. If there's even the slightest chance that he feels the same way, Dean has to know. So before he does anything, he goes straight to Gabriel's.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Dean," Sam says firmly, a soft laugh falling from his lips. He shakes his head and presses a hand to his brother's shoulder, "people wait their whole lives to find someone who looks at him the way Cas looks at you, and do you know how many people find it? The potential is worth the risk. I took a risk with Jess, and I couldn't be happier."
> 
> "Maybe I should talk to him."
> 
> "Yeah, you should. Sometimes you just have to trust your little brother." Sam grins at him and Dean actually smiles. 
> 
> "Yeah, sometimes."

Dean's anxious as he climbs the stairs in Gabe's apartment complex. His hands are clammy, and he can't help but think that Cas is gonna turn him down, and he's gonna end up having to avoid him for the rest of his life. He waits outside the door for nearly fifteen minutes before he works up the courage to knock, and when he does it takes a minute before he hears anything, but then the door swings open and he's immediately pulled into a crushing hug. 

"You ass," Cas mumbles affectionately, his voice uneasy, "where were you? You scared the shit out of me." Dean can barely breathe, but he manages to get his arms up and around Cas back, holding him tight against his chest. 

"I went up to Bobby's."

Cas pulls away and his expression falls, "I didn't know where you were," he breathes, "what you were doing, if you were okay- Dean, you've been so down lately, I didn't-" Dean pulls Cas back in, throwing his arms around his neck. 

"I'm sorry, Cas," he sighs, "I didn't want you to have to deal with my shit anymore, you're better off without me."

"What?"

"I'm destructive, Cas. I'm poison-"

"You're upset, Dean, and you think far too little of yourself. My life certainly wasn't better without you in it."

Dean drops his chin, the last of his courage fading, "you don't need me, Cas." 

"Yeah," Cas breathes, "I really think I do." Dean squeezes him tight and swallows hard. No one other than Bobby or Sam has ever cared this much, and he doesn't know what to do with it. He pulls back and looks at Cas. 

"I'm not the one you want." 

Cas' expression softens, "I think I've known you long enough to make my own decisions about that." He brushes a hand through Dean's hair, and Dean's heart races as Cas meets his eyes. Cas kisses him so softly that it makes him want to cry, and Dean's helpless to do anything but kiss him back, his arms sliding up Cas' back as his guard drops and Cas deepens the kiss. 

"Come in," Cas mumbles, pulling back enough to kiss Dean's jaw, and Dean nods, dropping his arms to take Cas' hand and follow him inside. Cas pushes him against the wall gently, just inside the door, and slides his hands up Dean's sides. His mouth is hot and comforting on his own, and Dean put his arms around his waist, bringing him in closer. 

It's exactly what he needs, and as Cas touches him, he can feel the tension ease out of him , but he needs to know that Cas feels the same, that this isn't just going to be them screwing around again. He draws back and presses Cas back gently, looking down at the floor, "Cas, um, we should talk."

"Oh," Cas breathes. 

"I just-" Dean starts, "what we had before worked _before_. I can't... I can't do that now, it's not what I want anymore."

Cas stops, standing completely still as he looks at Dean, "oh. What do you want?"

"I want _more_. I was someone to come home to. I love Jess, and she's great for Sam, but it kills me sitting there with them and knowing that I'm gonna have to wake up alone in the morning."

"I get it," Cas sighs, and as his arms fall to his sides, Dean wants to cry. He breathes in slowly and ducks away from Cas. Cas doesn't want him, and Dean should have realized that; regardless of whatever anyone else seems to think, Dean isn't the kind of person who gets to have a relationship. He's just going to have to come to terms with that.

"I should go," he mumbles, and Cas nods solemnly as Dean slips out the door.

\- - -

The following day at work is the most emotional of his life, and Dean spends half of it trying to figure out how and when he turned into a hormonal teenage girl. Cas is just as quiet as he is, and Gabriel's only in for a few minutes when he realizes something's up. Dean's done his best pretending not to be upset, but apparently Gabriel's not fooled. He calls him into his office and when Dean sits down, he just looks at him sadly.

"You wanna tell me what's going on? You and Cas both look like someone kicked your puppy."

"It's nothing, just having an off day," he pulls up a false smile, but he's pretty sure Gabe doesn't believe him, judging by the look he gets in response. 

Dean leaves the office feeling worse than he did before, and he spends the rest of the day trying to avoid both Cas and Gabe. 

Sam gives him a look when he gets in, but he barely acknowledges him, brushing past him to get to the living room. 

"Dean-"

"I don't wanna talk about it."

"Dean, what happened?"

"'S nothing."

"You've been closed off since you got home last night."

"I fucked up," is all he says, and Sam shuts the door and comes to sit next to him.

"What happened?"

"He doesn't want me."

"What makes you think that?"

"I told him I didn't want what we used to have and he didn't even try to stop me from leaving."

"You told him you didn't want what you used to have," Sam starts, "and you didn't think that maybe, just maybe, Cas may have taken that the wrong way? You weren't exactly clear about what you want."

"What?"

"Dean, you need to ask him what _he_ wants. Sit down and talk to him. Be straightforward. Don't just tell him you don't want sex and walk away. Tell him you want _more_ than that, tell him you want it with him- and don’t argue with me, because we both know that you want to curl up with him on the couch and watch movies, and take bubble baths with him - don't tell me you don't, because I _know_ you do - and kiss him awake in the morning and just generally be disgusting and sappy and in love. I want you to be happy, Dean, and I honestly believe that Cas feels the same way. If you just go back and talk to him, tell him what you really want to say, I'm sure you can sort all of this out."

Dean wants to believe it, more than anything he wants to, but the doubt creeps in and it's all he can focus on, "what if he doesn't feel the same, though? What if you're wrong?"

"Dean," Sam says firmly, a soft laugh falling from his lips. He shakes his head and presses a hand to his brother's shoulder, "people wait their whole lives to find someone who looks at him the way Cas looks at you, and do you know how many people find it? The potential is worth the risk. I took a risk with Jess, and I couldn't be happier."

"Maybe I should talk to him."

"Yeah, you should. Sometimes you just have to trust your little brother." Sam grins at him and Dean actually smiles. 

"Yeah, sometimes."

"Go, Dean, I'll be here when you get home. Jess is gonna be here though, unless you want me to cancel?"

"Don't you dare," Dean pushes himself up off the couch and looks down at himself. His hands are still shaking, but for the most part he looks like a put-together adult, "I'll see you guys later, I guess."

"Yeah. Say hi to Cas for me." 

Dean mumbles an _’okay’_ and fiddles with the sleeves of his coat as he heads to the door. The walk down to the lobby seems to take a hundred times longer than it normally does, and he has to stop and let his heart slow down before he gets into the car. When he gets in, he rests his head on the steering wheel for another ten minutes, and he has to rethink everything Sam told him before he works up the courage to start the car and pull out of the parking lot. The streets are virtually empty, which is typical, because tonight is the one night Dean really, _really_ wishes he could get held up in traffic, and he ends up making it to Gabriel's apartment in half the time it would normally take him.

He's shaking all over by the time he reaches the door, and in a split second of madness, he reaches up and knocks loudly. This time it takes nearly five minutes for Cas to answer the door, and Dean's just about to knock again when his shaggy head appears in the doorway. 

"Dean?" he asks, and fuck every single thing, because Cas is so damn beautiful, and it's now or never, but he feels like he's about to throw up, and he's shaking even worse now. He must look as bad as he feels, because Cas reaches out and takes his hand, frowning up at him with concern, "what's wrong?"

"When I said I didn't want what we had before, I didn't mean I didn't want you." The words tumble out of his mouth before he can stop them, and it's all he can do not to turn tail and run as fast as he can once he realizes what he's said. 

"What?"

"I- I want you. Not just the sex, I want _you_. I want to go to bed with you every night, and wake up to you in the morning. I wanna fight with you about stupid things and meet you for lunch when you're working and I'm not, and I want to go for walks in the sun and take stupid pictures with you that no one wants to look at except us, and-" Cas cuts him off with a hand on his cheek, and when Dean looks up at him, he looks like he's about to cry. 

"I want that too," he breathes, and before he can say anything else, Dean takes his face in his hands, and kisses him hard, still shaking as Cas' hands rise to find his neck. He doesn't realize he's crying until Cas thumb brushes over his cheek and comes away wet, and Cas just kisses him more deeply, pressing against him and burying his hands in Dean's hair. 

There's the sound of someone clearing their throat behind them, and Dean breaks the kiss, turning to find Gabriel grinning at them with an armload of groceries. 

"You two need a minute?" he asks.

Cas huffs awkwardly, his cheeks tinged pink as he looks down, "no, we're good."

"Well, I'm sorry to interrupt, but you're kind of blocking my doorway, and I need to put the food away so we can continue to eat." Dean shuffles out of the way sheepishly and Gabe grins at him as he passes, "and I'm happy for you guys, I honestly am, but you wanna keep it out of the kitchen this time, 'cause I've got a health inspector due to arrive sometime in the next two weeks and if I don't pass because you two are getting bodily fluids all over everything, I'll kill you both." He beams at both of them and shuffles past into the kitchen. 

"I- um," Dean stumbles, and thankfully Cas is a little more coherent than he is.

"You knew?"

"Of course I did. You two are anything but subtle, and shit only got misplaced when the two of you closed together."

"Oh right," Dean mumbles. 

"I um- I'm gonna make sure Dean gets home okay," Cas interrupts, "I'll see you later."

"Whatever you say, Cassie, and Dean?"

"Uh, yeah?"

"You're gonna be at work on Tuesday, right? Eight o'clock?"

Dean grins and nods, "yeah, I'll be there."

"Good. You kids have fun."

\- - -

The drive home is, thankfully, just as quick as it was there, and Dean can barely keep his eyes on the road, constantly glancing over to see if Cas is actually real, and finding him looking back at him. Dean just barely resists kissing him in the elevator, but there's something that's bothering him, and he has to get it off his chest.

"So," he starts awkwardly, "who was that guy at the bakery the other day?"

"Oh, that was Balthazar, he's a friend of Ga- why?"

"I was just wondering, you seemed pretty interested in what he had to say."

"No, just- hold on, you ran away from home and went to South Dakota because you were jealous of my brother's best friend?"

"I didn't," Dean insists petulantly. Cas just hums and walks Dean backwards into the corner.

"No one's ever been jealous of me before," he grins, "it's kind of nice."

"You're... kind of nice," Dean falters. Cas laughs happily and leans in, pushing him against the wall and kissing him soundly. 

"Thank you, Dean," he grins. 

"Oh shut up," Dean mumbles, trying not to smile as he pulls Cas back in and kisses him again. It takes them longer to get up to the apartment, but neither of them really care that they tumble through the door with pink cheeks and swollen lips almost forty minutes after arriving at the building. 

Sam jumps up from the couch when he hears them, and his face breaks into a grin when he sees Cas toeing off his shoes and struggling out of his coat.

"Hey, Cas."

"Hello, Sam. We had a run-in with Gabriel and thought we'd avoid him for a little while."

"Well you've got good timing, because the pizza just showed up. Help yourselves." He flashes a grin at Dean before walking back to the couch, where Jess turns around and waves to them. 

"Pizza?" Dean asks. Cas nods enthusiastically and they step behind the wall, making a b-line for the pizza boxes on the counter. They lean against opposite counters, making their way through half a chicken and bacon pizza and grinning every time they catch the others' gaze. If this is what Sam meant by _just being in love_ , Dean could definitely get used to it. 

"Can I ask you something?" Cas asks suddenly, and Dean looks up from his pizza to find the other man scowling anxiously. "What Luke said about me- things were pretty tense back the next day, and I didn't want to bring it up, but why did he mention me?"

Dean inhales deeply and shoves his half-eaten piece of pizza back in the box, curling his hand around Cas' and leading him away to the bedroom. He shuts the door behind him and sits on the edge of the bed. 

"That night- we were arguing already, but when he mentioned you, tried to taunt me with you, I punched him, and I think that's what set him off. I think he knew how I felt before I did, and you were what would affect me the most."

"I'm sorry," Cas breathes, stroking his cheek, "I didn't mean to bring it up. Thank you, for defending me, I mean."

"Whatever," Dean shrugs, then he looks up and meets Cas' gaze and it's like everything stops dead for a few seconds, "look Cas," he starts, curling one finger around Cas', "I like you, okay? Like, I _really_ like you-" _like I can picture spending the rest of my life with you_ "-but I'm really shitty at talking about these things."

"It's okay," Cas hums, "you're doing just fine," he leans in and catches Dean's lips in a too-chaste kiss, and drops his chin with a chuckle when there's a knock on the door.

"Is Cas staying tonight?" Sam asks through the door. 

"You could, if you want," Dean suggests, "Gabe's probably expecting you to."

"Yeah," Cas says, loud enough for Sam to hear, "we'll see you in the morning."

"G'night," Sam says, and Dean can hear him smiling.

"Night Sammy."

Cas shifts closer and tips Dean's chin up, kissing him softly and pushing him down onto his back, "I'm sorry it took us so long to get here," he breathes, pulling Dean's shirt over his head. They barely manage to get out of their jeans before Dean's tugging Cas down against him again, and they curl together as Cas pulls the blankets up over both of them. Dean turns onto his side and Cas slides easily into place, slipping an arm over his hip and pressing kisses into the back of his neck. 

"Night, Cas."

"Goodnight, Dean."


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean's wide awake.
> 
> It's nearly three am, and he can't keep his mind off the man curled up next to him. Cas' breath is hot on his neck, and heat radiates off of him, stirring up all kinds of thoughts that won't let Dean sleep. He's rock hard, shifting awkwardly to try and keep away from Cas without waking him up. 
> 
> He makes an attempt to slip out from under Cas' arm, but it only serves to disturb him, and Cas' fingers dance up his spine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is it. Thank you guys for all your amazing comments and for sticking around to see this through. You are all amazing <3

Dean's wide awake.

It's nearly three am, and he can't keep his mind off the man curled up next to him. Cas' breath is hot on his neck, and heat radiates off of him, stirring up all kinds of thoughts that won't let Dean sleep. He's rock hard, shifting awkwardly to try and keep away from Cas without waking him up. 

He makes an attempt to slip out from under Cas' arm, but it only serves to disturb him, and Cas' fingers dance up his spine. 

"Can't sleep?" he hums groggily. 

"No," Dean huffs a humorless laugh and rolls onto his stomach, resisting the urge to rock himself against the mattress. Cas rolls closer, sliding one hand across the small of Dean's back, his hot breath on Dean's shoulder followed by a lazy kiss. 

"Can I help?"

"Hm?"

Cas responds by slipping lower, rubbing a hand over Dean's ass and kissing down his spine, "do you," he breathes, kissing just above the waistband of Dean's boxer-briefs, "want me-" he presses his fingertips into the flesh of Dean's thigh and rises up, straddling him, "to help you sleep?" Cas leans down to kiss him again, and Dean can feel the hard line of his cock pressing against the back of his thigh. 

"Cas..."

Hot hands slide up his back, and as Cas lays over him, Dean presses his hips down, seeking the friction he's been denying himself. Pleasure spikes through him, and he lets out a shaky moan as Cas kisses his neck and slides his hands up and down his arms. 

"I've missed you," Cas breathes, "you're so wonderful." He sits up, dragging his fingers down Dean's back, and shuffles down the bed, curling his fingers under Dean's waistband and tugging his underwear down over his ass. Dean breathes heavily, groaning contentedly into the mattress as Cas' lips continue their path down over the swell of his ass, his teeth dragging gently over the delicate flesh. He whines as Cas draws back and snaps his boxers back into place, but then he shuffles up Dean's back and leans down, turning Dean's head and catching his lips in a warm kiss. 

"Missed you too," Dean mumbles against his lips, arching his back in an attempt to dislodge Cas and topple him over, "c'mere." 

Cas chuckles lightly and nips at his jaw, "mm-mm," he mouths at Dean's neck, sucking at the bolt of his jaw and working his way back up behind his ear, "not yet." Dean groans and drops his head, but Cas is quick to distract him, kissing his back and rocking his hips against Dean's ass. 

He's slow and attentive, reading each and every one of Dean's responses, and touching him accordingly. Dean shudders as Cas' lips graze his skin, dipping down to his lower back as he tugs Dean's boxers down, shifting to drag them over his thighs, and tossing them away impatiently. His mouth is on Dean's skin again in a second, kissing him and biting down gently. Cas slides his hands down, spreading Dean's cheeks and pressing his thumb against his rim. 

"Cas-" he gasps, arching his back to press against him, "fuck," he whimpers. Cas rubs his other hand up Dean's back, nosing g at the base of his spine.

"I've got you," he breathes, pushing Dean's hips down, "relax, baby."

"Baby?"

"Shut up," Cas mumbles, and Dean can _hear_ the blush rising in Cas' cheeks before he's pressed down firmly into the bed and Cas' tongue slides between his cheeks.

"Fuck," he groans, pressing his face back down. He squirms as Cas licks over him, his tongue hot and probing. The scratch of Cas' stubbled jaw is just as arousing as the slick slide of his tongue, and Dean's hands are fisted in the sheets before he knows it, gripping tightly as he pushes his hips up. Sensation ripples through him, and it's all Dean can do to keep himself from begging Cas to fuck him immediately. 

Reaching a hand back, he threads his fingers through Cas' hair, pressing his hips back as he rubs his fingertips over Cas' scalp. Cas points his tongue and pushes past the muscle, pressing against Dean's rim with his thumb. It slips in alongside his tongue easily, and Dean's sure he's going to pass out with pleasure before he even gets a chance to touch Cas. He curls his finger in Cas' hair, gripping the sheet as Cas' thumb presses over his prostate.

" _Oh_ ," Dean breathes, "oh, Cas- right there." Cas hums as he fucks Dean with his tongue, one hand sliding soothingly up Dean's back. " _God, babe_." Cas chuckles and presses a sloppy kiss to Dean's ass before moving down to the back of his thighs. Dean turns over awkwardly, shifting down the bed and pulling his knees up on either side of Cas' torso. He sits up and tugs the covers up over them both, kissing Cas passionately. Cas huffs a quiet laugh against his lips and kisses him back in earnest, falling into it easily as he presses Dean down into the mattress, hips rolling lightly. 

Cas moves down his body slowly, leaving a trail of heated kisses down his chest, his fingers grazing Dean's sides. He nips playfully at Dean's hipbone and presses his nose into the skin, dragging his lips down the crease of his hip. Dean's hands slide into his hair again, and he moans as Cas' tongue slides up over his balls and up the length of his cock. Cas just goes on, as if Dean's hands aren't clenched his hair, and he seals his lips around for head of Dean's cock.

" _Goddamn_ ," Dean groans. He rests his foot on Cas' shoulder, and Cas runs a hand up his thigh and pulls off his cock to kiss the sensitive skin there.

"Do you know how many times I thought about this?" Cas mumbles into his skin, "I wanted to tell you how I felt so many times, to lie you down and show you what you mean to me."

"Why didn't you?" Dean asks, his voice rising at the end as Cas' mouth works back up the length of his erection. 

"Don't know," Cas sighs, flicking his eyes up to Dean's. It’s dark in the room, but Dean can feel his eyes on him and he shifts uncomfortably under his gaze. "I was afraid, or selfish, or too blind to realize that losing you would be the worst thing to happen to me..." he shakes his head, "it doesn't matter anymore," and kisses Dean's inner thigh.

Dean can't seem to find his voice, and his hands tighten in Cas' hair as the man peppers his skin with kisses before proceeding to wrap his lips around the head of Dean’s cock and suck him down in one fluid motion. It's nowhere near the first time they've done this, but Dean will never get over Cas' intimate enthusiasm; the way he hollows his cheeks and looks up at Dean before shutting his eyes to focus on his breathing again. His lips are soft but firm, and Dean can't help the light rise and fall of his hips in time with Cas' mouth along his shaft. 

Soft little gasps fall from his lips and he slides one hand through Cas' hair and down over his shoulders, squeezing gently with each pulse of pleasure that shoots through him. Cas groans around him, and Dean shuts his eyes as Cas reaches back between his own legs, stroking himself leisurely. 

"Cas," Dean breathes, "Cas, baby, c'mere-" his body is practically vibrating with need as he slips his hands under Cas' arms and tugs him up. Cas goes easily, chuckling softly as he plants tender kisses along Dean's collar bone, and up toward his jaw. 

"What would you like?" he hums, nuzzling against Dean's ear. 

"I want _you_. Wanna make you feel good too," he slides his hands up Cas' arms, wrapping around firm biceps and rolls Cas onto his back, "you're not the only one who wanted more." Cas' eyes flutter as Dean curls a hand around the base of his cock, squeezing lightly and pulling up to the tip. He sighs out Dean's name, cupping his jaw to pull him into a gentle kiss. 

"Touch me," he breathes, and Dean is quick to comply, resting on his side and leaning over Cas' chest as his hand works up and down Cas' length. He rubs his thumb over the head, smearing the collected pre-come to ease his movements, and Cas groans into his mouth, rolling his head back and arching his back. Dean kisses his chin and brings his thumb back up, grinning against Cas' skin when he gets the same result. Even when he's breathless and desperate, Cas is elegant in his movements, and as Dean circles his thumb and forefinger right beneath the head of his cock, he silently promises to make Cas lose that composure. 

And he does. It only takes him a few minutes before Cas is writhing in the sheets beneath him, and when he bends over and takes him into his mouth, Cas whines and curls in around him. Dean reaches up with his free hand, smoothing up Cas' side and twining their fingers together as he sinks down to the root. Cas squeezes his hand hard, lifting his hips, and Dean just takes it, letting Cas press himself up until he hits the back of Dean's throat. He splutters a little when Cas drops back to the bed, but he slides a hand under his hips and presses him back up again almost immediately.

"Fuck Dean," Cas gasps, eyes squeezed shut, "fuck, you've gotta stop." He's laughing breathlessly as Dean pulls off his cock and straightens back up to face him.

"Everything okay?"

"Amazing," Cas grins, curling a hand around the back of Dean's head and pulling him down, "but I'm not gonna hold out if you keep doing that." Dean huffs a laugh as he presses into Cas' neck, nipping and sucking at the skin there. 

"You gonna fuck me, baby?" he lifts his head and bumps his nose against Cas', grinning down at him. 

"Yeah," Cas breathes, disentangling his hand from Dean's and running them both over his shoulders. Dean kisses his lips quickly and pulls up, leaning over to grab the bottle of lube he keeps next to his bed, and Cas runs his fingertips down his chest, sending shivers down his spine that make it hard to keep his balance. He drops to his knees, and pushes off the table, biting down on his bottom lip as Cas' fingers curl around his cock. 

Dean sits back on his heels and braces himself on Cas' chest, rolling his hips forward and rocking into Cas' fist. His fingers curl, biting into Cas' skin, and he lets out a low moan, dropping his chin against his chest. He waits for the click of the bottle, and when he hears it, he braces himself, stiffening all over in preparation for the cold press of Cas' fingers, but it doesn't come. Cas rubs a dry finger between his cheeks, pressing against his entrance and pushing just the tip of his finger in. Dean tries to sit back on him, but Cas catches his mouth in a kiss and leads him back toward the bed. 

"Relax," he mumbles, "you're too tense, Dean, you know I'm not gonna hurt you." Dean nods and Cas takes his bottom lip between his teeth, as he slips his finger past the ring of muscle and crooks it. "You should know by now that I'm gonna take care of you," he kisses Dean again as he draws his hand away.

Cas' fingers slide back over his rim, and it's not as cold as he expects, but Dean shudders at the touch, pushing his hips back into it. Cas whispers a soft apology and slides his hand along the back of Dean's thigh, pushing his knee up and out of the way. The sensation of being breached is anything but unfamiliar, but when Cas presses his finger in up to the second knuckle, he leans down over him, and Dean feels complete, like this thing with Cas is what he's been missing his whole life, and everything is finally coming together for him. It's a sudden revelation, but when it comes, it's almost as if he's known it all along, that there is no one else in this world that could ever make him feel like this, and he is completely, unequivocally in love with the man above him. 

He pulls Cas down to him and kisses him fiercely, "I'm sorry I never said anything," he breathes, gasping as Cas presses a second finger in beside the first, "I'm sorry we had to go through all that shit-"

"Don't," Cas shakes his head, pushing his nose against Dean's cheek, "we're here now." He drops onto his elbow, kissing Dean softly and nibbling at his lip. Dean arches up sharply as Cas rubs over his prostate, and Cas chuckles darkly in his ear, thrusting three fingers in harder and pressing his hips down into the mattress. 

" _Fuck_ ," Dean groans. He wraps his arms around Cas' head, breathing against his lips, "c'mon baby, I'm ready. I want you," he brushes his lips against Cas' and moans, "want you inside me, babe."

Cas' eyes meet his, and it's so intimate that Dean has to force himself not to look away, but then Cas draws his hand away and jacks himself slowly, lining himself up against Dean's rim. His lips meet Dean's briefly, and he reaches back, tugging the comforter back over them as he presses his hips forward slowly. Dean groans at the stretch, and wraps his legs around the back of Cas' thighs, encouraging him to push forward. 

Cas' breath stutters as he slides in, and he curls his hands in Dean's hair, holding tightly. The only sound in the air is their mingled breaths, hot and rough as Cas bottoms out and rolls his hips, bringing one arm up to hold Dean's leg up. 

"Are you okay?" he pants, and Dean just nods dumbly, holding him close and letting out soft gasps. 

"'M good," he groans, "really good, Cas, c'mon."

Cas rocks forward, pushing himself up, and Dean's fingers wind around his arms squeezing tight as Cas' cock nudges against his prostate. Sparks shoot through him, and Dean tips his head back, baring his neck to Cas, who doesn't hesitate before sealing his mouth over the skin on Dean's throat and sucking hard. There will be marks in the morning for sure, and Dean thinks briefly that he's glad to have something to remind him of this, but then Cas kisses him clumsily, nearly missing his mouth as he thrusts hard, and Dean remembers that this is it now; he can have this, have Cas, not just some fading reminder of the time they spend together. He grins and pulls Cas' mouth against his again, rocking back onto his cock and biting his lips. 

Cas holds a steady pace, his hips unwavering as he fucks into Dean with purpose, both of them sweaty and breathless, and _christ_ if it isn't the best thing Dean's ever felt. He pulls a hand from Cas' hair, dropping his arm to rub over Cas' nipples, to grip his shoulder, and grab his ass. He pulls Cas' hips forward, forcing him deeper, and Cas mutters a shaky ' _oh, fuck_ ' as he hits Dean's prostate again and Dean clamps down around him. 

Dean's rock hard, his cock leaking against his stomach, and he's so damn close. Another spurt of pre-come slides down his length, and he slips a hand between their bodies, curling around his slick shaft and pumping himself quickly. 

Cas practically growls, leaning close and nipping at Dean's earlobe, "are you gonna come?"

"Yeah," Dean whimpers, wrapping his free arm around Cas' neck, "so close baby, fuck, you feel so good- fuck me," he groans, and Cas snaps his hips forward and presses dean hips into the mattress.

"You feel so good," he huffs, dropping his chin, "god, you're so fucking perfect."

"Kiss me," Dean breathes, and Cas shifts to cup his jaw with one hand, kissing him roughly, "fuck me, babe- harder, fuck-" Cas complies, jerking his hips hard and fast, he's relentless, and the pair of them moan together as Cas slams into Dean's prostate again and again. Dean's hand flies over his cock, until Cas bats it away, gripping him firmly as he jacks him, and _christ_ it feels amazing. Dean arches up as Cas kisses him, and he comes hard, snapping his hips up into Cas' hand and shooting ropes of come up his stomach. 

Cas fucks him through it, rocking his hips slow and steadily, and stroking Dean's softening cock gently. He leans over Dean, kissing him frantically and rutting into him. When Cas comes his entire body tenses up, and he presses his forehead against Dean's, a low moan tearing from his throat. 

Dean huffs a quiet laugh as he catches his breath, and Cas drops his head down to the bed, pressing kisses into Dean's shoulder as he pants heavily. Dean turns his head, pressing his nose just under Cas' jaw, and he grins.

"That was amazing," he breathes. 

"Hmm," is Cas' lazy response. He pulls out carefully, kissing Dean's neck and rolling off of him, "you feelin' tired yet?"

"Shut up," Dean chuckles, and Cas pulls him over onto his chest, kissing his soundly and wrapping his arms around his shoulders.

"Go to sleep," Cas hums, rubbing his hand over Dean's shoulder.

"I'm sticky," Dean whines half-heartedly.

"Do you want to have a shower?"

"Don't wanna get up."

Cas chuckles softly, "shower in the morning then? before I leave for work?"

"Hmm, don't want you to work," Dean kisses his throat and runs his fingers up Cas' chest.

"Don't have much of a choice." Dean mock groans and kisses his mouth softly. "I don't work till ten, Gabe's got me covered until then."

"Fine," Dean huffs, burying his face in Cas' neck, "shower in the morning, and I'll drive you to work."

"Go to sleep, babe," Cas curls his fingers into Dean's hair and hums against him. Dean shuts his eyes and rubs his cheek against Cas' chest. Cas rubs his head an presses soft kissing into Dean's hair, but Dean still can't turn off his mind. There's just one thing that's bugging him, one thing he never thought he would ever think about anyone but his Mom and Sammy, but the words are there, right on the tip of his tongue and for the first time in his life he _wants_ to say them. 

"Hey Cas?" he breathes, tipping his head up just slightly. 

"What's up?"

"Can I-" he pauses, steadying himself, and pushes himself up to lean on one elbow, "would it be weird if I- if I just-- I love you." 

Cas shifts under him until he's propped up himself, watching Dean closely and his expression is soft and warm, lips turned up at the corner, "Dean," he breathes, reaching one hand up to cup Dean's jaw, "I love you so much." 

Dean wrinkles his nose, but he can't help the grin that stretches his lips, and when Cas winds a hand around his neck and pulls him down, he goes easily, kissing him softly and curling around him. 

They stay like that for a long time, and eventually Cas drifts off to sleep, but Dean can't sleep again, this time because he's still reeling from the fact that Cas loves him. Cas _loves him_. He squirms against Cas, pressing as close as he can and shuts his eyes, a stupid smile still plastered on his face. 

With Cas wrapped tightly around him, it feels like coming home, and that's not something he thought he would ever even think about another human being, but it's verging on four am, and he's sticky and disgusting, but Cas' breath ruffling his hair, everything just feels _right_. He drifts off slowly, thanking whatever god might be up there that they managed to wade through the shit and find each other. Sure, they've got a lot of crap to deal with; Dean doesn't think he'll ever forgive himself for what happened with Dad, they're still waiting on a court date for everything that happened with Luke, and they're falling headlong into a relationship based almost entirely on sex and mutual suffering, but Cas loves him, and Dean thinks that if things stay the way they are in this moment - even with all the bad stuff - maybe, for once, everything’s going to work out just fine.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated <3


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